Previous Posts in my series on marriage: Cousin marriage, forced marriage in Pakistan, forced marriage in Islam.
I had completely forgotten about completing this series until I saw Yasmine comment on Abez’s blog (no permalinks; look up the June 10 post titled “How I Own 1/7th of Riaz’s heart”).
Although Western socities tend to deride arranged marriages as backward and uncivilized and primitive, there do exist positive aspects. For example, Westerners focus more on the physical aspect of relationships, and are thus obsessed with love, sex, beauty, etc. As a result, people get married based on these factors and then get disenchanted with one another very easily. The divorce rate in Western countries such as the U.S. has skyrocketed. […]In contrast, Eastern cultures that practice arranged marriages place far more emphasis on the practical, such as integrity, diligence, ambition, humility, generosity, etc. People get married based on practical reasons, and work on building affection later. Strong characteristics like the ones described above are very conducive to building love and affection in Eastern marriages. As a result, these marriages are much longer-lasting than many Western marriages (at least, based on what i’ve seen so far). It’s BECAUSE the primary emphasis is NOT on love, sex, and physical beauty that arranged marriages are usually so successful, because the spouses get to know one another on a practical level first, looking beyond trivial issues such as beauty or lack thereof.
And, of course, i know it can go both ways: there ARE many arranged marriages that are just total hell, and there are marriages that started out based only on infatuation and grew stronger as time passed. But I think as long one as looks for the right characteristics in a potential spouse, then, arranged marriage or not, ‘s all good.
I won’t reply to her points directly but a discussion of the similar ideas comes later in this post.
First, we need to consider what an arranged marriage is. It is basically a marriage which is arranged by someone other than the couple themselves, usually their parents. It encompasses a lot of different varieties: the harshest arranged marriages are almost forced upon the bride or groom while the most liberal ones start with just an introduction of the coouple through their parents and the rest is up to the couple.
Traditionally in arranged marriages, the decision is made by the parents of the couple and they have to abide by that decision. It was quite likely that they would see each other for the first time after their wedding. These marriages are still prevalent though in lesser numbers than the past. I know quite a few people who are actually proud that they did not meet with their spouse before marriage and married a total stranger. Another thing that I have heard happen is that the parents are usually so confident of their child agreeing to whoever they arrange their marriage with that they don’t bother asking for their opinion before finalizing the proposal. The guy or girl is then left with little choice but to agree.
Then there is the emotional pressure or even emotional blackmail. Parents beseech their children to agree to a proposal before they die or make use of other emotional pressures. A very mild example is shown in this Washington Post article:
But the Patels didn’t drop the idea [of going to India from the US to look for a groom for their daughter], and Indian daughters hesitate to defy their parents. Many times her mother had prepared vegetarian meals for Vibha while she was away at college, and her father had driven nearly five hours to Blacksburg to deliver them, then turned around and headed home — how could she now dismiss their wishes? Her father’s eldest brother, dying in a nearby hospice with the whole family gathered around, yearned to see her engaged — shouldn’t she give him this final pleasure?
The more liberal arranged marriages nowadays are called “semi-arranged marriage,” or “arranged introduction” by some people. Here, the process starts with the parents but the guy and girl have input as well and the final decision is the couple’s. That’s why some proponents of arranged marriage say that it is no different than your mom setting you up on a date. However, there is a huge difference.
They [the parents] run ads, canvass Web sites, put the word out on the community grapevine: Dad’s aunt knows a nice Bengali family in Atlanta whose nephew is an electrical engineer. Mom’s medical school classmate in Detroit has a cousin with a single daughter working with computers in Bangalore.
After their parents perform due diligence — Hindu marriages are considered a union of two families, not merely two individuals, so bloodlines and reputations matter — the children meet and spend time together and decide whether their relationship has a future. A voluntary process, no different from having your friends fix you up, the fixed-up like to say.
But it is different. Families —- many of whom disapprove of or forbid dating —- don’t want to introduce their kids to someone to hang out with or move in with; they want a wedding, and soon. Vinay’s relatives think that after he’s spent three or four evenings with a woman, he ought to know: She’s his future bride or she’s history.
So the parents have a large amount of input in deciding who gets through the initial vetting. Also, there is pressure to make a decision. One is not allowed to take the time it takes to get to know someone, but has to decide on a deadline.
In Muslim families, one-on-one meeting is generally out. So the couple get together along with their parents or in more liberal families with a chaperone. Try meeting your future wife for the only time before your wedding decision in front of both your parents and then try striking up a conversation with her.
People think that the do-it-yourself marriages (“love marriages”) in the West rely on superficial characteristics like physical beauty. Here’s the ad placed by Vinay’s parents:
Punjabi parents desire beautiful, professional, never married, US raised girl for handsome son, 34, 5’10”/150, fair, slim, athletic, engineer/MBA, consultant in DC area. Enjoys travel, sports, music. Please reply …
When parents go looking for a spouse for their child, they consider beauty, ethnicity, religion, education, social/financial status and even horoscopes. Which of these criteria are superficial? There are times when a guy’s mom would reject girls because of the smallest “defects” in physical appearance. Or because of the girl being a bit older than the guy (even by a few months).
Ethnicity and religion are very important factors that most parents don’t overlook for arranged marriages. I know a number of guys whose families insisted that they had to marry another Pathan (an ethnic group in NWFP, Pakistan and in Afghanistan) even though these guys and their families had otherwise completely assimilated in Lahore or Karachi for hundreds of years. No one in their families spoke Pashto or Dari, the languages that Pathans/Pashtuns speak. Still their families would not think of marrying someone outside their definition of the tribes that comprise the Pathans.
Imagine how many parents in the US are comfortable with their children marrying someone of another race. Now think what would happen if these parents could decide who could or could not marry their kid. The result would definitely be far less miscegenation. And that’s what happens in societies with arranged marriages.
In the end, the discussion of arranged and love marriages comes down to which is better. Obviously, the one that leads to more successful marriages. Proponents of arranged marriage claim that it is more successful, but their definition of success focusses on divorce rates.
It [arranged marriage] works better than Americans’ impulsive love marriages, which so often split apart. “We have less divorce,” Vibha’s mother points out. “That’s what results tell us.”
But are divorce rates really a measure of successful marriage? Do all the couples that don’t get divorced stay happy with each other? The prevalence of divorce in a society depends on a lot of factors including the stigma of divorce.
In fact, the advantages and drawbacks of arranged marriages can’t be so easily appraised. The incidence of divorce among Indian-born Americans is dramatically lower than among Americans generally, but that partly reflects the continuing stigma of divorce. Even as the divorce rate among Indian Americans appears to be increasing, the topic is rarely discussed. […]Divorce reflects poorly on an Indian family, and some proportion of arranged marriages endure not because they are successful or rewarding, but because leaving them would bring such shame.
In addition, the concept of a woman living independently is foreign to most people in South Asian culture. Also, a majority of women don’t work in Pakistan and hence find it difficult to have enough money to support themselves without getting married or after getting divorced.
And many endure because the definition of success differs from Western ideas. Traditional Indians don’t expect a partner to be that improbable combination of soul mate/confidante/red-hot lover/best friend. “The husband-wife bond is one of reliability and dependability and complementary family roles — raising children, caring for elders,” explains Karen Leonard, author of The South Asian Americans and a University of California-Irvine anthropologist. “They may communicate very little in intimate ways, and it’s still a good marriage.”
Hence, they are married as strangers and stay strangers all their lives.
Arranged marriages are the norm in Pakistan and if its proponents are right, then marriages should be very successful there in general. In terms of divorce rates, they are but then how to explain this:
Estimates of the percentage of women who experience domestic violence in Pakistan range from 70 to upwards of 90 percent.
A lot of people nowadays think that arranged marriages are somehow tied to Islam or Muslims. In fact, arranged marriages are common in a lot of societies in Africa and Asia. They are the norm in India and Japan among other countries.
What is the position of Islam on the topic of arranged marriage? As I mentioned in my post about forced marriage in Islam, traditional and conservative scholars require the approval of the bride’s guardian for her marriage (a position I disagree with). In addition, conservatives are wary of any kind of mixing of the sexes socially. Therefore, for women, there is not much of a practical way out of this dilemma. Some modern scholars however disagree and allow a couple to get married without parental involvement. They still disagree with dating, but meeting of the couple for the purpose of making a decision about marriage is allowed. So, the marriage would tend to be like the “semi-arranged marriage.”
A final question to anyone who favors arranged marriage and specially those who don’t want the couple to get to know each other before marriage: What do you think about having sex with a stranger to whom you are married? Or do you think a couple like that should wait until they know each other better?
i’d assume that most couples would get to know each other before they become intimate with one another. it would be quite uncomfortable to just…do it without knowing anything about the other person. ah, and i came across your site while bloghopping. quite interesting =)
great post!! i’ve often considered the points you make and totally agree with what you say. to claim that american marriages are unsuccessful based on the divorce rate is not only wrong, it is, in a way, naive. well written.
I just wanted to make one comment. You remarked Hence, they are married as strangers and stay strangers all their lives when talking about different cultural definitions of a successful marriage. You seem to be assuming that all people want the same thing out of a marriage. If two people want out of marriage to have a complementary partnership raising children, and that’s what makes them both happy, then that is a successful marriage for them, even if we personally would find it odd.
Just as there are people in Eastern cultures who wish for a “soul mate/confidante/red-hot lover/best friend” there are people in Western cultures who would prefer the “complementary partnership” type of marriage.
What’s important is the ability to make the choice, not the ultimate decision they make. You seem to go beyond just saying that people should have choice in who they marry and what type of marriage they have, to saying that people should have a certain type of marriage. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
a lot of americans would prolly benefit from arranged marriages 😉 more would do it if people didn’t see them as losers….
great post btw.
PS-i had a friend whose dad faxed her a list of reqs from a potentional husband, in big bold-faced he had NO FAT.
Love & arranged marriage
Zack Ajmal has a great post on arranged marriage and all that jazz….
Muslim voices 6/7 to 6/14
Bloggers a cut above the rest. Learn more about art history with Sadia Salam. Karen Hanson lists “things to do…
Thanks everyone for their comments.
yaser: That’s the thing. Do you think ppl in Pakistan or other cultures who do aranged marriages wait for weeks or months after marriage to be intimate? Does anyone have that kind of control and patience?
A-M: You are sorta right about my assumptions. However, I read the cultural definition of marriage there to be more like roommates plus kids. It does not involve being friends. That looks wrong to me.
I agree that different people can have different ideas about the kind of marriage they want, but in my mind it is the difference in emphasis rather than absence of stuff. The quote from the article looks to me like talking about absence of love/passion/friendship/intimacy. That I disagree with completely.
Look at it this way: If one thinks that the ingredients of a good marriage can all be found in your roommate (excepting the ability to reproduce obviously) then why get married? Just find a good roommate.
I would find it odd too, but it’s really none of my business to interfere with how people want to live their lives as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. I hope they’ll do the same for me.
I think I’m totally late following this post, but I have just been kinda busy lately. Here goes:
I’ll vote for the semi arranged where the guy or girl get to know each other and they were introduced by their parents, or for the make-your-parents-think-its-arranged where the guy and girl get to know each other and then let their parents do all the stuff that parents like to do. As far as getting to know someone, I think in this day and age of technology, there are so many ways to get to know some one without having to continuously meet them. There’s the telephone, email, chatting. Once you’re introduced, I actually think these means are better because you are not nervous (as in meeting in person) and can better speak your mind. Its a better way to evaluate how the other person thinks (provided they are being honest, but then that is a precursor for even when you meet in person).
I agree with the point you make about how people in the Eastern cultures get married for beauty, wealth as well. Actually, unfortunately in most marriages where the to-be-spouses did not get to know each other, the marriages are usually based on superficial things that the parents look for.
I also agree with the fact that divorce may not be the best way to evaluate the success of the marriage.
As far as this society, I dont even know what marriage means here anymore. More and more people are just happy being companions and not getting married. Living together, having kids, the whole lot, but not getting married….I dont know what’s up with that?
yaser – that’s what one would like to think, but you’d be surprised at the kind of maniacs out there who insist that the marriage should be consummated on the first night.
rabs: I agree that letting parents do their part is generally a good idea. Being diplomatic towards culture and tradition is good if you can do it. However, there are lots of cases where parents are unreasonable. They raise nonsense objections to their kid’s choice of spouse. This is especially the case when parents want the spouse to be of a specific ethnicity. What do you do then? My advice is to go for it but understand the repurcussions.
Another problem is the parents taking the complete financial hit for their kid’s marriage. This raises lots of problems, including the related one of too much parental interference in the coupe’s lives. You wanna get married, pay for it. Parents can help but shouldn’t be the major financial source.
The decline of marriage in the West (especially Western Europe) is a topic for a post in itself. I’ll just note here that lack of marriage has not resulted in dissolution of families everywhere. Some groups (I think particularly Northern Europeans) have much lower marriage rates but cohabitation is pretty stable (unlike for example poor urban African Americans).
zack..i agree that sometimes parents raise completely ridiculous issues /problems when it comes to marriage…in my post, i was referring to more or less ‘cool’ parents of the i’ll-be-happy-with-what-you’re-happy with variety….in that case, i think parents are more than happy to do their bit, and are usually happy tht their child has found a mate so they dont have to look.
why soem parents throw pointless fits is beyond me….they dont realize that in the end they end up losing out….(and usually its the son or daughter they are losing, and being able to be a part of their life)
i can understand (even though i dont agree) when parents make an issue about ethnicity because they are worried about language, but some people make an issue like u stated above, about even being from the same town in pakistan or being punjabi or being pathan….that’s just dumb..
insha’allah i will be a very cool parent when i grow up (haha that sounds funny)…and my kids can marry whoever they want (almost).
in the case where parents are making a non-issue an issue, i’ve seen some kids just keep on sticking by it and eventually overcoming their parents (one of my friends will be getting married next year after 8 yrs of knowing the guy..and about 4 years of being ready to get married….she’s karachi memon..they’re punjabi rajput), going with the ‘screw the parents’ attitude (which is not a very recommended idea, but i guess i’m confused at what the other option would be ..other than wait and wait and wait), or forget about it all together (which i think is completely retarded..if you didn’t have the guts to follow, you should never have fallen in love)
i think the best advice would be for parents to be a little more understanding (within boundaries of reason) to what their children are presenting, and accept it as an adult decision, and give them their blessing. Trying to control their lives will only ruin them. I’ve seen too many cases.
Interesting discourse Zack.
The only thing I have to add at this moment is that you are staring at the western view as a monolith to justify it as a beast to the east’s beauty (?).
More Later.
Writerman: I am not sure I get you. Care to elaborate?
It’s way past me bedtime so I’ll keep it short.
You are really employing the “divorce rate” as a maxim and crutch just so you create a stronger opposite. A good versus evil sort of battle where it’s unfair to compare things through b&w tunnel vision.
Overgeneralisation.
All western marriages dont fail.
And all or even most eastern marriages arent unions that produce no love or emotion or stable connection.
I’m sure you don’t believe that but your writing suggests that this strongly.
Writing something in as a column trenched in fiction to speculate on the facts is fine but your writing used the trappings of straightforward journalism/manual writing and I think you need to be a bit more fair by looking at things from all points of view that don’t necessarily support your argument.
And since you don’t know me at all, I’ll keep my negative criticism to myself at this moment because it’ll appear not only insulting but elitist.
Are you familiar with a piece I wrote on the “matrimonials” in Pakistan? It doesn’t examine all sorts of women but it’s based on true stories I’ve heard and some actually I’ve seen.
You might find the idea behind it interesting even if my prose or the content fails to appeal to your sensibilities.
It was published last year in print but less than 3 weeks ago online. I’ll post it on my blog if you’re interested.
G’night for now.
One more thing…
I mean no offense at all and
(begin suggestion)
we can take this somewhere where there are less prying eyes if you aren’t comfortable.
(end suggestion)
TheWriter: My post does deal a bit in overgeneralizations. Most proponents of arranged marriages will tell you similar things about marriages in the west, so I don’t think it’s a strawman argument. At the same time, people in the west don’t understand arranged marriages as well.
I am a stronger believer in everyone choosing their spouse themselves.
I haven’t heard your piece on matrimonials. Where is it posted online?
And I think this is as good a place as any to continue the discussion. Especially since I can delete your comments if I don’t like them 😉
Haha ok tyrantblogger.
I’m not really a strong believer in either philosophy or method of madness. I’ve written on this subject, discussed it at a great length which is why I’m really sickintoid of it.
I’ll add my voice to the chorus if something else pops up.
But I’ll be honest, I’m really bored after the sort of discussions I’ve had, things I’ve written and the views I’ve experimented with.
My “matrimonials” social commentary disguised in chicktrick is up on my blog.
Where are you based btw and how long have you lived in Pakistan?
TheWriter: Born in Pakistan, lived there till age 26 (except ages 6-12). Did my undergrad there and worked for around 4 yrs before coming to the US.
Noted.
Thanks for the info Michael Zackson.
Heh. Sorry I couldn’t resist. Your name is very rhymy. I bet your roadies/groupie chix have it easy writing love poetry for you. ; )
Brown love(?) & marriage
Article on changes to the practice of arranged marriage among young BOSCOs [1]. Read Zack Ajmal’s blog on this topic a few weeks back for background. [1] BOSCO = British of Subcontinental Origin…
can u send me more info about arranged marriage and if it should be eligle or not
vishal: I am not sure what kind of info you are looking for.
A few things I’ve read today
A victory for the pro-lifers today: The Senate Approves Ban on Abortion Procedure. Enjoy your victory while it lasts, is my advice to the right. Once I was very worried about this, but that was when I was assuming that O’Conner was going to retire from…
I can’t remember a time in which people have debated so well (and in such a civil manner).
Now, for my two cents…
1) As a whole, more “prospective mates” are being given the choice to say Yay or Nay. As for the pressure, that’s present in many societies, just in different forms. Whether its an Irish girl who wants to marry her Spanish boyfriend (a friend of mine) or a Pakistani girl who didn’t even get the chance to meet who she thought she could be interested in because he was from another part of Pakistan (another friend of mine.) Granted, on the whole, Westerners are more accepting, and that’s something I think we should learn from them. We could certainly use more tolerance.
2)Perhaps it’s just my experience alone, but I do find that Easterners have a more positive outlook on marriage than Westerners do. For Westerners the option of marriage is something that is entered into ONLY after they’ve played the field, established their careers, and are looking to settle down. Men (more so than women, by a large margin I believe) are extremely apprehensive of having to commit to one woman for the rest of their lives. It’s looked at from the perspective of “It’s something you should do later on when you’ve already had your fun” (as if marriage is just going “downhill”.) On the Eastern front, men and woman are expected to get married, yes (you’re an enigma if you don’t), but it’s done with a more positive attitude. I don’t feel it’s because of Eastern men’s resignation, but more that they ACTUALLY do want to share their lives with a significant other (usually at a much younger age.) They look forward to getting married. It’s a rite of passage that they usually welcome. Whether or not that’s because of the anticipated…ahem…conjugal rights, well, that’s another thing altogether. Speaking of “relations”, I think this also plays a very important factor. Western couples have mini quasi-marriages throughout their adolescent and young adult lives, unlike their Eastern counterpart, therefore they (Westerners) are not as “hungry” for the ultimate relationship: marriage.
Hmmm…I guess this turned out to be more like $2, as opposed to 2 cents. I’ll try to trim next time around, Insha Allah.
Thanks for the forum!
Sylvia: Thanks for your comment.
1) Agreed.
For Westerners the option of marriage is something that is entered into ONLY after they’ve played the field, established their careers, and are looking to settle down.
That is not just true for westerners. It is also somewhat true in the east for men. And I do think in both cases it’s a problem.
They [in the East] look forward to getting married.
That happens but being very apprehensive and dreading marriage is just as common. It’s just less likely that one won’t get married.
i have read you articale and really liked it. i also have an arranged marriage but with me it was differnt i married with my cusine whome i never seen nor talkwith him. now its been two year but i am living with like stranger. because i find him very uninterested man. i am realy kind of forced to live with him because he is my cusine. there will alots of trouble in family then. we have no physicale relationship with each other we don’t talk with each other much. sometime i blame my parnts for that. that is why i hate arrange marriages. i think its good if parents ask their children before they make any deceision. my parents din not ask me. what do you think about this?
arzoo: I am sorry to hear about your marital situation. I hope you can work something out that’s best for you.
Hi,
I am a westerner living in India. I think that misconceptions abound about both western style love marriage and eastern style arranged marriage, so I’d like to make a few points.
The first point is that actually, large numbers of marriages follow an ‘arranged introduction’ model. That is, your parents, friends, colleagues etc may set up an introduction with someone they consider to be eligible (ie suits your personality). This is particularly so if you are older (in your thirties) and a woman. Remember how Bridget Jones’ mum was always trying to find her a boyfriend (in the hope that a boyfriend will turn into a husband.) Arranged marriages used to be the norm in Europe, and it’s really only since the end of world war 2 that people really have been free to make completely independent choices about whom they marry.
Having observed marriages of both kinds, I notice that the happiest IN BOTH CASES are ones where the couple respect each other, receive emotional support from their families, and who share compatible interests and personalities. I’ve just finished talking to an Indian pal of mine who is absolutely terrified that his parents are going to select a girl according their values, but who won’t understand music, which is profession and his life.
At the moment, I am in the process of ‘arranging my own marriage’. That is, I am interviewing guys for the job of being Mr Uchiita. Had I been Indian, then I would have had a lot of help with this, as it is, I’m on my own. Which is proably why 25% of British households are single person ones. The fact remains is that arrange marriages suit a lot of people in India, and would, if socially acceptable suit a lot of people in the west. I would only trust three people in the whole world my mum, my sister and her husband) with the task of finding a life partner. And, if I chose for myself, their opinion of him would be a big factor in my final decision.
I don’t think that westerners focus on physical beauty any more than other cultures. Here, if you have a physical defect or dark skin your chances in the marriage game are slim. This is a very beauty orientated culture, perhaps even more so than the west.
zack – stumbled on this site while procrastinating, don’t know if you or anyone else will ever read this but thought i’d put in my couple of cents’ worth anyhow….i like your post, it’s something i think about often these days – i’m indian and hindu, my boyfriend is pakistani, and of course my parents are totally against us…until not too long ago i never thought i could do the arranged thing – never imagined being able to marry a stranger…but now i wonder. perhaps arranged marriages really are better, maybe rocking the boat isn’t worth it, and anyway, just because i’ve met the love of my life doesn’t mean i should want to spend the rest of it with him, does it, when there are other things to consider? maybe it won’t be so bad after all and i’ll be able to be friends with and fond of the person i marry – after all, proximity can do wonders if both people are basically reasonable…so i trawl the web looking for reasons to believe one thing or the other, and all i find are arguments both ways – as you might expect….
Uchiita: Thanks for your comments. I think the “arrange dintroduction” model is generally all good. It is definitely becoming more common, but traditional arranged marriages still dominate, especially in rural areas and small towns.
rats: Good luck.
I’m a college student in Springfield, Missouri, USA, doing research for a debate on arranged marriages and “love” marriages. I wanted to first thank all of you for your discussion. It is good to see reasoned arguments on both sides, rather than lengthy diatribes against the other side.
I think the common thread through all of your arguments is how to define a successful marriage. I believe marriage to have many and varried purposes. Several of them are named here: raising children, providing a friend and confidant, providing a foil or complement, and lowly economic, social, and sexual benefit.
A defenition of successful marriage must encompass all these things. If it only includes raising children, then any fertility clinic will do. Friends and confidants require only a roommate. Foils and complements are your family. And economic, social, and sexual benefits can be attained by contractual agreements.
What ties all these things together is love, however in this case it is the Biblical sense. Love is kind, unselfish, giving, and keeps no record of wrongs. If there is a better guide to parenting, friendships, family, and life, I know it not.
Marriage and love tie all these things together. In this way, it makes no difference whether the marriage is arranged by God or Man. The tieing together is by active verb: Love, and is controlable by the doer.
This was what the Biblical writers meant when they compared the relationship of the Church to Christ to the relationship of Marriage. Love is defined by actions, the actions of Christ for his Church, the actions of spouse to spouse. If I can move mountains, but have not love, I have nothing.
I think it is important that romance does not make this list. It is not a marriage based on Active Verb Love, but on Descriptive Noun Romance that fails. This is based on physical beauty and education. “He’s Dreamy,” or whatnot. The medievalists who first talked of Descriptive Noun Romantic Love never envisioned it as centering a marriage. They considered Active Verb Love to be the center, and as such, arranged by God or Man, their marriages held. I don’t think it accidental that this appeared in Christian Europe and not Islamic Near East, Hindu India, or Budhist Far East.
One final thing, if you all haven’t guessed, I am a single, evangelical, Baptist Christian. These are my beliefs and findings on the realm of marriage.
I wish to thank you all again for helping me clarify my own arguments and I look forward to your riposts.
M. Howell
SaberDance: Thanks for your comment. Like you say marriage is a complex thing and a successful marriage requires a lot of different things.
I was just curious, but at what age do the boys/men begin getting married at? And if a Pakistan guy has been living most his life in the US would their parents still possibly force them to fly back to Pakistan to get wed? Is this like a law for there traditional family ways?
CC: at what age do the boys/men begin getting married at?
I don’t have any data, but from anecdotes I would most men get married in their 20s in Pakistan.
if a Pakistan guy has been living most his life in the US would their parents still possibly force them to fly back to Pakistan to get wed?
Like other immigrants, it varies. Quite a few do get married here but others marry from their parents’ country of origin. Sometimes it is a matter of parental pressure and at other times it is because of not being able to find someone compatible (religiously, culturally or ethnically) here. It is definitely not the law though.
Kudos to Zack for maintaining this a very civil discussion 🙂 Nice blog.
Hasan: Thanks.
Very well written. However I do believe that the parents out there should sit down and talk to their children before reaching a final conclusion. Arranged marriages work out for some, and some they don’t. I’ve noticed parents using arranged marriages as a weapon, “If this happens… I’m sending you to India to get married” Thats funny, I thought marriage was something wonderful. I am still very young but have very opiniated views on the topic. A marriage should NEVER be the result revenge and should be a union between two people and their families. Unlike most people my age I don’t necessarily view arranged marriage as a negative thing as long as the ones getting married get final say. Arranged marriage is much like your friends setting you up with someone and it works out so well that you get married. The media portrays arranged marriages as such a negative thing to western society which is where all these points originate from. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD. If you can’t find someone for yourself, let someone else help you out. Who better than your family who’s raised you your whole life? I’m pretty sure they would have your best interests at heart when finding a match. And if it doesn’t work out… well… everyone’s dealt different cards…
sHaLiNi: Thanks.
I don’t necessarily view arranged marriage as a negative thing as long as the ones getting married get final say. Arranged marriage is much like your friends setting you up with someone and it works out so well that you get married.
Not all arranged marriages are created equal. Arranged marriages can run the gamut from your parents setting you up with someone to forced marriages. Obviously the more sensational ones get the most news coverage here.
Marriage itself is a very tricky thing, whether it is an arranged one or not. My point was that those who talk of arranged marriage as some ideal thing and “love marriage” as superficial are wrong. The best approach to marriage varies with the person.
Im OK with arranged marriages…… but I dont know what i will do on the wedding night………………. does the marriage have to be consumated on the wedding night?
Then again, its not as if young people here in the West do not meet strangers in bars etc 🙂
Kashmiri: May be you could visit a bar before your wedding and get drunk. 😉
CC: at what age do the boys/men begin getting married at?
I have finally found some data. According to this website, the singulate mean age of marriage is 26.3 for men and 22.1 for women. I am actually surprised a bit since I thought it would be lower by about 3-5 years.
i think this is stupid
Ashley: What is stupid? Arranged marriage? My post? People’s comments?
Well, This is a very interesting topic and i’m going to have to agree with Ashley and say that this is stupid. The topic itself is not stupid and some of the posts are relevant, but the whole “get drunk” before your wedding thing is stupid. And people like Arzoo, who made a post on November 3rd, should probably learn how to spell and use proper sentence structure because their writing is equivalent to that of an infants. Anyhow, before I get carried away with making fun of Arzoo’s post, I must say that I think arranged marriages are wrong. Once again, I agree with Ashley and many of these posts are stupid. Keep it real Zack.
Andrew: this is stupid.
Sorry to hear that you didn’t like the discussion.
the whole “get drunk” before your wedding thing is stupid.
May be you didn’t notice the smiley I put after it. It obviously was a tongue in cheek response to Kashmiri boy’s comment.
Do you have any substantive comments on my post, rather than the grammar of people’s comments?
Zack: I am actually doing a project on arranged marriages for a sociology class. I need to discuss cultures that still use this way of marriage and the pro’s and con’s about it. I need to research different countries that use it such as India and Japan.
I find some of the comments on your post quite helpful actually. Many of the stats you have listed will help me. I was wondering if you could help point me in a good direction for my project or offer me some websites I could benefit from.
As to me making fun of the grammar in some of these comments… it was all in good fun. Take it easy Zack 🙂
Andrew: When I wrote this post, I found quite a few websites dealing with arranged marriage. Since that was a long time ago, I don’t have any references handy other than the ones mentioned in my posts.
One thing I would like to mention is that the term “arranged marriage” applies to a lot of different situations varying from forced marriage to parents setting one up.
Hope your project goes well.
woots zack, hook up some solid information for my budday Andrew Bryson…this is a tough project and any information that you have would be greatly appreciated by him…im on my knees….HEEEEELLLPPPPPP!!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D