Previous Posts in my series on marriage: Cousin marriage, forced marriage in Pakistan, forced marriage in Islam.
I had completely forgotten about completing this series until I saw Yasmine comment on Abez’s blog (no permalinks; look up the June 10 post titled “How I Own 1/7th of Riaz’s heart”).
Although Western socities tend to deride arranged marriages as backward and uncivilized and primitive, there do exist positive aspects. For example, Westerners focus more on the physical aspect of relationships, and are thus obsessed with love, sex, beauty, etc. As a result, people get married based on these factors and then get disenchanted with one another very easily. The divorce rate in Western countries such as the U.S. has skyrocketed. […]In contrast, Eastern cultures that practice arranged marriages place far more emphasis on the practical, such as integrity, diligence, ambition, humility, generosity, etc. People get married based on practical reasons, and work on building affection later. Strong characteristics like the ones described above are very conducive to building love and affection in Eastern marriages. As a result, these marriages are much longer-lasting than many Western marriages (at least, based on what i’ve seen so far). It’s BECAUSE the primary emphasis is NOT on love, sex, and physical beauty that arranged marriages are usually so successful, because the spouses get to know one another on a practical level first, looking beyond trivial issues such as beauty or lack thereof.
And, of course, i know it can go both ways: there ARE many arranged marriages that are just total hell, and there are marriages that started out based only on infatuation and grew stronger as time passed. But I think as long one as looks for the right characteristics in a potential spouse, then, arranged marriage or not, ‘s all good.
I won’t reply to her points directly but a discussion of the similar ideas comes later in this post.
First, we need to consider what an arranged marriage is. It is basically a marriage which is arranged by someone other than the couple themselves, usually their parents. It encompasses a lot of different varieties: the harshest arranged marriages are almost forced upon the bride or groom while the most liberal ones start with just an introduction of the coouple through their parents and the rest is up to the couple.
Traditionally in arranged marriages, the decision is made by the parents of the couple and they have to abide by that decision. It was quite likely that they would see each other for the first time after their wedding. These marriages are still prevalent though in lesser numbers than the past. I know quite a few people who are actually proud that they did not meet with their spouse before marriage and married a total stranger. Another thing that I have heard happen is that the parents are usually so confident of their child agreeing to whoever they arrange their marriage with that they don’t bother asking for their opinion before finalizing the proposal. The guy or girl is then left with little choice but to agree.
Then there is the emotional pressure or even emotional blackmail. Parents beseech their children to agree to a proposal before they die or make use of other emotional pressures. A very mild example is shown in this Washington Post article:
But the Patels didn’t drop the idea [of going to India from the US to look for a groom for their daughter], and Indian daughters hesitate to defy their parents. Many times her mother had prepared vegetarian meals for Vibha while she was away at college, and her father had driven nearly five hours to Blacksburg to deliver them, then turned around and headed home — how could she now dismiss their wishes? Her father’s eldest brother, dying in a nearby hospice with the whole family gathered around, yearned to see her engaged — shouldn’t she give him this final pleasure?
The more liberal arranged marriages nowadays are called “semi-arranged marriage,” or “arranged introduction” by some people. Here, the process starts with the parents but the guy and girl have input as well and the final decision is the couple’s. That’s why some proponents of arranged marriage say that it is no different than your mom setting you up on a date. However, there is a huge difference.
They [the parents] run ads, canvass Web sites, put the word out on the community grapevine: Dad’s aunt knows a nice Bengali family in Atlanta whose nephew is an electrical engineer. Mom’s medical school classmate in Detroit has a cousin with a single daughter working with computers in Bangalore.
After their parents perform due diligence — Hindu marriages are considered a union of two families, not merely two individuals, so bloodlines and reputations matter — the children meet and spend time together and decide whether their relationship has a future. A voluntary process, no different from having your friends fix you up, the fixed-up like to say.
But it is different. Families —- many of whom disapprove of or forbid dating —- don’t want to introduce their kids to someone to hang out with or move in with; they want a wedding, and soon. Vinay’s relatives think that after he’s spent three or four evenings with a woman, he ought to know: She’s his future bride or she’s history.
So the parents have a large amount of input in deciding who gets through the initial vetting. Also, there is pressure to make a decision. One is not allowed to take the time it takes to get to know someone, but has to decide on a deadline.
In Muslim families, one-on-one meeting is generally out. So the couple get together along with their parents or in more liberal families with a chaperone. Try meeting your future wife for the only time before your wedding decision in front of both your parents and then try striking up a conversation with her.
People think that the do-it-yourself marriages (“love marriages”) in the West rely on superficial characteristics like physical beauty. Here’s the ad placed by Vinay’s parents:
Punjabi parents desire beautiful, professional, never married, US raised girl for handsome son, 34, 5’10”/150, fair, slim, athletic, engineer/MBA, consultant in DC area. Enjoys travel, sports, music. Please reply …
When parents go looking for a spouse for their child, they consider beauty, ethnicity, religion, education, social/financial status and even horoscopes. Which of these criteria are superficial? There are times when a guy’s mom would reject girls because of the smallest “defects” in physical appearance. Or because of the girl being a bit older than the guy (even by a few months).
Ethnicity and religion are very important factors that most parents don’t overlook for arranged marriages. I know a number of guys whose families insisted that they had to marry another Pathan (an ethnic group in NWFP, Pakistan and in Afghanistan) even though these guys and their families had otherwise completely assimilated in Lahore or Karachi for hundreds of years. No one in their families spoke Pashto or Dari, the languages that Pathans/Pashtuns speak. Still their families would not think of marrying someone outside their definition of the tribes that comprise the Pathans.
Imagine how many parents in the US are comfortable with their children marrying someone of another race. Now think what would happen if these parents could decide who could or could not marry their kid. The result would definitely be far less miscegenation. And that’s what happens in societies with arranged marriages.
In the end, the discussion of arranged and love marriages comes down to which is better. Obviously, the one that leads to more successful marriages. Proponents of arranged marriage claim that it is more successful, but their definition of success focusses on divorce rates.
It [arranged marriage] works better than Americans’ impulsive love marriages, which so often split apart. “We have less divorce,” Vibha’s mother points out. “That’s what results tell us.”
But are divorce rates really a measure of successful marriage? Do all the couples that don’t get divorced stay happy with each other? The prevalence of divorce in a society depends on a lot of factors including the stigma of divorce.
In fact, the advantages and drawbacks of arranged marriages can’t be so easily appraised. The incidence of divorce among Indian-born Americans is dramatically lower than among Americans generally, but that partly reflects the continuing stigma of divorce. Even as the divorce rate among Indian Americans appears to be increasing, the topic is rarely discussed. […]Divorce reflects poorly on an Indian family, and some proportion of arranged marriages endure not because they are successful or rewarding, but because leaving them would bring such shame.
In addition, the concept of a woman living independently is foreign to most people in South Asian culture. Also, a majority of women don’t work in Pakistan and hence find it difficult to have enough money to support themselves without getting married or after getting divorced.
And many endure because the definition of success differs from Western ideas. Traditional Indians don’t expect a partner to be that improbable combination of soul mate/confidante/red-hot lover/best friend. “The husband-wife bond is one of reliability and dependability and complementary family roles — raising children, caring for elders,” explains Karen Leonard, author of The South Asian Americans and a University of California-Irvine anthropologist. “They may communicate very little in intimate ways, and it’s still a good marriage.”
Hence, they are married as strangers and stay strangers all their lives.
Arranged marriages are the norm in Pakistan and if its proponents are right, then marriages should be very successful there in general. In terms of divorce rates, they are but then how to explain this:
Estimates of the percentage of women who experience domestic violence in Pakistan range from 70 to upwards of 90 percent.
A lot of people nowadays think that arranged marriages are somehow tied to Islam or Muslims. In fact, arranged marriages are common in a lot of societies in Africa and Asia. They are the norm in India and Japan among other countries.
What is the position of Islam on the topic of arranged marriage? As I mentioned in my post about forced marriage in Islam, traditional and conservative scholars require the approval of the bride’s guardian for her marriage (a position I disagree with). In addition, conservatives are wary of any kind of mixing of the sexes socially. Therefore, for women, there is not much of a practical way out of this dilemma. Some modern scholars however disagree and allow a couple to get married without parental involvement. They still disagree with dating, but meeting of the couple for the purpose of making a decision about marriage is allowed. So, the marriage would tend to be like the “semi-arranged marriage.”
A final question to anyone who favors arranged marriage and specially those who don’t want the couple to get to know each other before marriage: What do you think about having sex with a stranger to whom you are married? Or do you think a couple like that should wait until they know each other better?
Moose: 🙂
Zack: so does your last comment mean that you’re going to help me….or just smile, just thought you should try and make that more clean….thanks mate
Moose: Sorry. Like I said, I don’t have any information handy now.
Zack: you use to be cool, i thought you were the all mighty zack with over 600 comments and could help us out, well we’re doing our presentation today and its going to be horrible and boring and we were going to talk about you a little bit because we had a great deal of respect for your work…now i dont know what we were thinking….im sorry, your pals….moose, andrew bryson and murph
Did you find any statistics on arranged marriages?
i have to write a story on “a difficult descion” and thought arranged marriages would be approriate- i could maybe set it in modern times in the u.k or u.s.a and have a man/woman have to travel to india/pakistan to get married to someone they haven’t met before. i want to make deep characters but don’t think this can be achieved through the usual “…my parents don’t understand…old-traditions…i want to marry who i want” any ideas? thanx TD
Marriage is a life time agreement between two individuals. I am a big supporter for personal choice. But not everyone is capable for such decision especially where one gets married at very young age. How can one choose if they haven’t met enough peoples (non relative)? What world need today is more emphasis on Education, only then one can able to decide what is best for them in every aspect of life.
For Tainted Dreams
First make sure that you both are true to each other. Then you tell your parents that if you had to choose between this person and them, then it will be your LOVE. It may take years, depending on your conditions, such as whether you are financially independent or not. Affluent parents tend to be more stubborn than others, but eventually you’ll win as time is at your side (you are younger than your parents and they know this). Things may be difficult in the beginning but will smooth out ultimately. I don’t want you to go against your parents but they should be considerate to their child’s feelings.
Goodluck to both of you.
Moose: Hope your presentation went well.
pmill: What sort of statistics are you interested in?
tainted dreams: You could write the story from a parent’s perspective.
Mariam: Education is obviously important.
i just want to thank everyone for their ideas, and just reading this discussion has helped! it’s cool that people talk about issues that affect the modern generation!
hello
tainted dreams: You are welcome.
I think this is a great website. I am going a research paper on Women in Afghanistan. This gave me a lot of information on the women and arranged marriages.
Thanks.
Linny
Linny: Thanks.
Imagine this your 11 not even out of primary school, you expect nothing, and out of the blue your parents have told you, you are to be married.
Its to a boy, you may or may not have ever met. You may like him you may not; you are not allowed to object.
Once married you must fill out requirements for this boy including a sexual relationship.
This boy can be anywhere up to 25 years your senior.
This is what it is like for girls like Lia, she is 11 and lives in Indonesia, Jakarta. She has never met this boy.
Or take Nurhayati who is 12, she spoke to a boy and a week later her father had planned the wedding.
These stories are surely heart braking but not compared to the story of our next girl- Santi.
Santi married when she was 12, she is now working at a brothel, her husband decided he liked another girl better and divorced her, girls in this country cannot find a husband after they have participated in a sexual relationship. Unfortunately Santi’s story in not un-common, and if the husband does find some-one else it is blamed on the wife for not looking after him properly.
I believe that Arranged marriages should not happen because…
Now to my first point, Arranged Marriages is an insult to the nature of marriage! Marriage is about taking a vow to create a lasting and loving relationship; it is a ceremony that reflects family and religious values.
To allow Arranged Marriages to continue leads to unacceptable pressure through generations, take Karmi who is 29 she married when she was 12 and is now making her 13-year old daughter Jumaria marry a man 10 years who senior. I don’t know about you but I believe that 29 is a good age to start a family, not become a grandmother.
Arranged marriage decreases rights for Women, often the women have to travel a long way to live with there husband and his family, which makes them very vulnerable and likely to suffer abuse.
Sure some may say it is fine because the family makes the decision, but what if they make the WRONG decision its not like you can go back, A lot of the time arranged marriages can be based on how much money, stock or food the husbands family can give the wives family.
That is like SELLING or TRADING a person, that highly breaches international laws, if we allow this to continue, you may as well let Slaves come back I mean, don’t you sell and trade them? And the wives are being bought to do services for the husband, just like slaves are bought to do services.
So really in letting Arranged Marriages continue on you are really letting a small slavery market live on.
Women in these marriages are unable to get out if mistreated, it’s a deep dis-honor on the family, even if it is very obvious to everyone she is being mistreated.
Take Meena a 20-year old of Indian origins, her parents set her up with a man ten years her senior, she ended up sharing there house with her husbands girlfriend, even though everyone new about this she was unable to go back to her parents for there social status would be destroyed.
Unfortunately some see no way out, take Sujata also an Indian girl from a good family, she got arranged to a son of a family friend, however she was in love with a man from Trinidad and couldn’t bare to confront her parents so she committed suicide, they also think she may have been pregnant.
They say that 95% of these Indian arranged marriages stayed together- I hate to think how many of those women were being abused and mis-treated.
Arranged marriages have started a “bullying point”.
If you are an Indian and you divorce a arranged marriage your parents will disown you, if there were no arranged marriages, many youths would not be left out alone, or feel pressured to continue on with a marriage that isn’t working.
It’s a known fact that many Indian women take overdoses to escape the arranged marriages, more women would be alive today if not for arranged marriages!
If you live in China and have a arranged marriage your only allowed one child, which is discriminating, also these countries believe that girls aren’t important so many get killed, who knows how many young baby girls have been MURDERED, in countries were there isn’t arranged marriages, this doesn’t happen.
Quite Simply parents run adds in newspapers etc to sell there child or look for a person to marry there child, these adds are quite similar to a house add or a advertisement for a car they go something like this-
“Punjabi parents desire beautiful, professional, never married, US raised girl for handsome son, 34, 5’10”/150, fair, slim, athletic, engineer/MBA, consultant in DC area. Enjoys travel, sports, music. Please reply”
Do YOU think its fair to sell a child or youth?
It also creates a rift between countries that do and don’t have arranged marriages, because the ones that don’t, can’t understand why the parents to such horrifying things to there kids.
all these are just fuck in bullshit. dont try to cheat people with these kind of paragraph.
i am a 20 yr old indian girl currently living in usa and 99% of whats written above is right. my parents r pressuring me for marriage and i dont see any way out.
i hope i die before im married to a stranger.
Sasha: Interesting stories there, though some of the extreme ones.
moradi: huh?
aisha: Hope things work out for you.
I just realised that all my life i have been surrounded with this topic. My parents had a love marriage. I have been brought up to think that love marriages are not wrong. I have seen all the problems that they had to face. I have heard of the hardships that they had to face initially. I have been brought up with the thinking that marriage is sacred and that i would have the final say in whom i choose to marry. There was never any kind of force used to make me conform to any kind of thinking.
My feelings about this issue is quite flat and cold when i think about it rationally. I can see that arranged marriage (the exterme cases) is not good.However i have come to the conclusion that the intial hiccups faced by couples in any kind of marriage cancell out essentially.
I have always lived in an environment where i thought that a marriage was based first and foremost on love. The other things we worked around. The other things were a part of life. The way my parents approached it was to sustain their love and then create a sucessfull marriage from scratch.
I think love and marriage are two differnt things but have to exist together. Neither one is weak enough to be dependent on the other. Each is a force to be reckoned with by themselves.
There can be no marriage without love. There can be no sustained deep love without a commitment(which in our society transalates to marriage – and rightly so!)
In any marriage – love or arranged – what matters after a while is what value addition each person brings in. How well you cope and how sane you are about things. It matters how much progress you make.
According to me, it doesnt matter how the romantic relationship started what matters is how involved each person is in that relationship.
In a successfull relationship both partners feel strong and powerfull. Both partners feel enthusiastic. Both partners feel supported and loved. Each partner keeps the other person as priority and are supremley dedicated to them no matter what hardships they have to face – that is what enhances a relationship. Sometimes this dedication is impulsive….it is a heart oriented thing. You feel like being dedicated. It is however not always necessary that you will always feel like loving another person. Sometimes this has to be a conscious decision.
This is a really good post. I learned a lot from what your views were on arranged marriages. Thank you.
Deepa: You have got some good thoughts there.
Isabelle: Thanks.
Thank you Zack.
I would still like to add sometihing to my earlier comments. I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently about love and marriage.
One thing i know is that not all couples who are in love will be able to create a successfull marriage. Infact i think it might be more dangerous to have to marry someone who you are so much in love with and then later discover things about them that you absolutely hate….it is like a heart break and in many cases you will have to undo all your romantic fantasies and rebuild them again.
Oh! For that matter i think in ANY kind of marriage you will have to constantly redo your image of love and loving. There is no constant. The person who you are married to or in love with is also not constant!!!!
An extreme case of arranged marriage is really bad. No one can happily survive the pain of having their life decided for them by their parents without their consent.
This happens still i know and it is sad. Howeve,most of the cases these days are of “arranged love marriages” or “love marriages”.
I believe that one has to live this life true to oneself and keeping the present and the future in mind…..trying never to look at the past.
No matter how you were involved in your marriage(tradditional arranged marriage or a love marriage), i think it is every persons duty to give marriage their everything. I still think that marriage is sacred no matter how or when it came into your life.
Hey Zack, great site. Alot of info. I’m doing a presentation in school on arranged marriage, and I need to know the qualifications for my sources. Can you tell me a little about your background on arranged marriage?
Deepa: While marriage needs more than love, I believe love is a requirement as well. It makes it easier to trust and compromise.
Nucleus: Here is my About page. Regarding my qualifications as related to arranged marriage, I have none. I am just a guy with a weblog who comems from a region where arranged marriiages are quite common.
That will do. Thanks a whole lot.
My boyfriend is an Indian. I’m Eastern European. We are both in the States now. We started dating not so long ago but our relationship’s been progressing very fast. We like each other a lot. He’s just told me he loves me. But…I know that his family would not accept me as his wife. But he’s already 25, has graduated and has a job and as I recently figured out his father raised a marriage question before and will raise it soon again as my boyfriend is going to India in a month. And he said he loved his parents to death and they did so much for him and he wouldn’t go against them although he will try to talk to them about me. But he is almost sure about the outcome.
I don’t want to be judgmental. Life is wierd and you can never predict what will happen to you. I believe he sincerely loves me. But… I feel a little deceived. If he knew from the very beginning that this will happen why did he get involved in this? Why is he making both of us suffer? Why hasn’t he told me what I should be ready for?
It’s not that I havent’ asked him but his arguments don’t seem strong enough to me.
Don’t you think if one knows that he/she cannot marry outside his culture(religion/society)he/she should not date outside one?
Yeah, Vicky, I know of innumerable South Asians who enter into relationships(with Whites usually) entirely for sexual reasons while dissimulating all the while about their love for their partner. I think you’ve been used and see little reason for you to be sanguine about the outcome. I’m sure you’re boyfriend intended to dump you right from the day he met you, but South Asians are rather pathetically lust for Whites and have them, till they eventually marry someone that their parents choose. In a nutshell, for the typical unscrupulous South Asian, non-S.Asians are only good for sex, not as wives.
Typo – that should have read, ” I’m sure you’re boyfriend intended to dump you right from the day he met you. South Asians rather pathetically lust for Whites and have them, till they eventually marry someone that their parents choose”
vicky: Sorry to hear about your experience. You are right that if he knew that he was eventually going to have an arranged marriage, he shouldn’t be dating.
randomguy: That is a gross generalization and quite untrue for a large number of South Asians. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but not always.
Zack thanks for coreccting Randomguy’s rather unfair statement. Whilst I accept that lot of what Randomguy says happens but I can give my personal example that its not always the case.
I got married when I was 21 and ten years later my wife who is Irish have three lovely kids. She has chosen to remain Catholic and I have not felt any problems with that. I did however at the outset make know that I would want the kids to be moslem.
BTW in those 10 years many of her friends who painted doomsday stories, including her siater are now divorced.
In my view men use women and some women use men and that cuts across races or cultural/religious groups.
casper: Thanks for sharing your personal experience. There are indeed good, and bad, stories among all groups.
hi-i would just like to say that this post has helped me a lot in dealing with my situation. not only in asian and eastern cultures are there arranged marriages, but some mediterranean cultures as well. i met the man i was supposed to marry when i was 14. i was camping with some friends and he showed up at our campsite. so there we are roasting marshmallows, and this guy comes up to me and says, “hi, i’m you’re future husband”. his father was with him. i was so shocked i didn’t know what to say-i thought it was a joke! so i said yeah right-i’m too crazy and young to get married. apparently this didn’t go over too well, because they left. and it kind of spoiled the rest of my trip. and the worst part was all of my friends there KNEW that my parents had sent them there to meet me, and DIDN“T TELL ME!! and they also knew that he was 10 years older than me!for all i know i could’ve had marshmallow all in my teeth or something. he also started showing up at my dance recitals, cross-country meets, family events/etc., and this made me really nervous and i felt very put “on the spot”. and his father was always with him which made it worse! i know that one time at my regional cross-country meet, i accidentally crossed the finish line one lap too early because i was so nervous that they were there. i wouldn’t have been if he wouldn’t have kept shouting “come on slow poke”, which really threw me off. i didn’t see him again until college. he was living in the same town that my university was in,(i was 19 the next time i saw him) and we ended up working together. well, let me tell you, we did not get along at all! he thought he was a “high roller”, spending daddy’s money on trashy women, and he treated me like sh**. and he literally called me that to my face regularly. then the next minute he would tell me how beautiful i was and how he wanted to live with me someday and have children. yet he was dating three other girls! well, it didn’t work out, but when i told him that i didn’t think that i wanted to marry him or have kids, the next day he said he was going to kill me. i was very afraid to leave my house for 6 months to a year, and people in the community didn’t look at me too kindly. now that things have calmed down a bit, i can look back and say, well, this is america. it’s a free damn country. if i die because of this now, at least i’ll die free. why would i want to live in a $375,000 house if i knew i was going to be killed in it anyway?(this same man also tied his ex-girlfriend to a chair and beat her-great choice mom and dad, thank god my friends did their “research”! saved my life!) now i am 23, and i plan on waiting for the right one to come along. and i won’t let my parents try to find him for me!
TO VICKY,
I sincerely know how you are feeling. You are not being deceived “just a little”. Your boyfriend knows exactly what he is going to do – he will eventually marry a girl/woman chosen by his family for him. He is also deceiving himself that he can remain in a relationship with someone that he loves without hurting either one of you. I am currently in and out of a relationship with an Indian man myself. The first year we spent together was nearly perfect, we also spent all our free time together. The relationship only got better and better until one day he told me he was going to Pakistan to visit a sick relative. He had jokingly mentioned his cousin/uncle was looking for a wife for him. I did ask him before he left if he was going to get a wife. He laughed and told me no. When he returned he told me he was getting married. You can only imaging the heartbreaking pain I experienced. How could an educated, highly intelligent man make such a choice? He has gone through great lengths to get this person to America. He has gone as far as becoming an American citizen and is now working on getting her to the U.S. I continue to see him. He has always told me he loved me. We spend most of our time together when possible. The relationship has gone to almost two years together now. I actually do love this man. I have tried and tried to understand this arrainged marriage concept. I do know that he believes that these marriages have less chance for divorce and that he personally wished to be with someone from his own culture although he has spent the majority of his life in the U.S. Yes, Vicky, I have been deceived, it can probably be compared to the experience a spouse has when one finds out the other has been having an affair. My advise to you is to try to have this man tell you his true intentions. If he plans on following his parentss wishes, then do yourself a favor and get out as soon as possible before you fall more in love. He has no right to continue to lead you on. But if you continue to investigate the nature of Indian men as I have you will find that they do not value women as men of other cultures do. In their culture the woman is to simply act as a servant…run the household, have children and raise them, care for the man. The man that I am with simply needs a “breeder” to produce children although he has indicated he does not plan on participating in the upbringing. What choice does the woman have that he is to marry. She would face being murdered by her family if she did not concent. However, if you have the opportunity to come to America via marriage, if you are from Pakistan, it is as though you have won the lottery. So don’t feel so sorry for her, the ability to bear children has paid off for one young lady. As for me, I plan on moving out of the state away from this man simply because I love him so much – and I believe he actually loves me -to get out of this painful situation. The whole situation has actually caused me to become somewhat prejudiced against Indians. As they come to America, form relationships with American women, then dump them for their traditional marriage. Once again, they have little respect for half of the world’s population (women). Indian men must reallyl love coming to America. It’s alot like coming to someones home and being disrespectful after they have been fed and treated well. Their intentions are not as honorable as they present themselves to be. The divorce rate is probably lower in arrainged marriages because the husband simply abandons the woman when he is unhappy with her and marries someone else or he murders her. The numbers can be just as deceiving. They’re still a primitive culture and the men try to keep it that way because it’s pretty good for them!!!
hi i am nagendro pal a 19 year old man from india. this incident happened to my mom a 36 year old widow 3 months ago and a very scary one and showes why arranged marriage at india is nothing but a farce. around 1 year ago i came to usa for higher studies. my mom a very preety and full body well off woman were all alone at west bengal at that time. when i was here her uncle and his wife tried to get her married with their only son raju, a 45 year old no good bad ass person. mom refused but they planed to forced her into marriage. one night while she was sleeping at her house they bribed the housemaid and entered her house and jumped on her. she was tightely bound hand and feet and was gagged with a rubber ball gag to keep her quiet. she was wearing only her panty and bra but it didnt deter them to carry her away and kidnap her into their house.there she was kept 3 days on her underware and later a bribed prist arranged and performed the marriage ceremony with raju. it was indeed a weird marriage ceremony. mom told me she was tied hand and feet and was gagged with the rubber ball gag to keep her quiet while the prist performed the marriage. after that raju took her mom into his bedroom and at knief point forced to perform sex with him. mom was at that house for 2 month , locked ino a room and ound and gagged wearing only panty and bra. later she find a way to untied her and sliped away and reported the police and call me. i came back and took care of her and now raju is at jail. but what kind of a arranged marriage india has?
Thank you for the information about arranged marriages. I’m doing a report on it, and your research work has helped me out a lot. Plus your views helped me point out some stuff that I want to say out as well. Great weblog!
Wow! There is so much interesting discussion here, but I have still found a few things points about arranged marriages that no-one has yet mentioned.
I’m British born and bred. My friends (even half my family) are all British (white). I have been surrounded all my life by the same romantic images and ideals as every Western child. However, like my parents, and those before them, I am still choosing to have an arranged marriage. Here are some of my reasons:
1. I am a muslim living in the West. My family are practicing muslims. I wish to rear my children in the same loving environment as I myself have experienced. It has been hard enough for me, with two muslim parents, to retain my religious beliefs and practices over the years. I do not wish to attempt raising my own children as muslims without the assistance and encouragement I would receive from a muslim partner.
2. Arranged marriages in Islam involve both the seeking and approval of a potential partner by a child’s parents, and the agreement of both children* (male and female) to marry. Over and beyond the decision being made by child and parents there is a spiritual aspect: prayers to God seeking guidnace and blessings in maing a decision, and continued prayers after the decision has been made. After all, no relationship is easy to maintain!
3. Arranged marriages are approached in an almost back-to-front way (cf. love marriages). First, a child and his/her parents assess the suitability and compatibility of the two families and the two children. In liberal homes, the children* have the opportunity to speak with one another openly and honestly about their views and goals. After all important issues have been discussed, a decision is made. When you have agreed on the bigger picture, all the little things you dislike about each other can be worked around. Having created a ‘safe’ environment through the objective decsion-making process, the relationship is free to flourish. The blinding (rose-tinted) effects of emotion, hormones and biology are no longer risk factors for hurt, but wonderful mechanisms that enable the relationship to be fresh and exciting.
*Please note, by child I am referring to males and females of marriageable age. Some of you have spoken of marriages between children and older men – personally I belive this should not be permitted in Islam since such young children are unable to give valid consent for the marriage.
This is an essay that I wrote for my class, I believe that it has much to do with this topic……Gaurav Kumar
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The divorce rate in United States is about fifty percent which is primarily due to “non-arranged” or love marriages. Arranged marriages have been successfully happening in ancient countries such as Japan or India. Recently has the idea of love marriges evolved, and it exists primarily in the Western society. Opponents usually oppose arranged marriages due to supressivity factors, however there are more positive aspects to arranged marriages then most people think.
In arranged marriages, both partners grow to respect and love each other. This is the case in many countries such as India, Pakistan and Japan. Most marriages are arranged by the parents without the consent of the couple. And in most situations the couples do not even know each other and have never really met. Advirsaries may oppose this type of relationship, however this is the key to a healthy relationship. Love marriages primarily focus more on the physical aspects of the relationships, and are thus obsessed with love, sex, and beauty. In arranged marriages these three factors are not even considered, and love grows as time progresses because their relationship is not strongly based on physical attraction. This in turn leads to divorce rates below the average divorce rates in love marriages.
Divorce rates are also significantly lower in arranged marriages than they are in love marriages. People who base their marriage on the three factors are most likely to divorce as soon as their spouse becomes unattractive or just “boring”. Since arranged marriage is not based on these factors, there is a better probability that divorce will not be limited to physical appearance or sexaul performance. Antagonists might argue that there are abusive husbands in arranged marriages and women do not have a voice, however that is not true due to the fact that not everyone is abusive, and in today’s society more and more women are able to confendientially come forth and report these abusive claims. It is better to divorce with a ligitimate reason, then it is to divorce based on inane reasons. The decisions of parents can prevent all of this from ever occuring.
Who else knows their child best, other then a parent? No one expept the child himself. When it comes to choices and decisions, teenagers and young adults are amongst those who are likely to make the wrong ones. It is evident all around us because it is present in the media everyday. This case also applies to those who approach an age where they are likely to be married and make an important decision which will heavily impact the rest of thir life, and parents are the ones who should choose whats best for their child; as they do in arranged marriages. Parents seek a bride or a groom for their child in arranged mariages and they choose the person who will best fit their child’s needs and fulfill their wishes. True, that someone is going to be married is capable of making their own decisions, however this decision should be left to the people who brought them into this world. To those who raised them for over twenty years and provided them with necessities; who know what is best for their child. A marriage should involve parents, and arranged marriges assure that involvement.
Arranged marriges are very controversial, but there are many examples throughout the world that indicate that they are successful. People do not marry based on just primarily factors and consequently divorce rates are considerably lower. And they involve the most important people in the world to an individual. Clearly there are many benefits to arranged marriages then there are downfalls. Today’s world is full of sex and lust, and arranged marriages portray that through it all there is still the sense of decensy and respect. The more the arranged marriges, the merrier the world.
-Gaurav Kumar 10/4/04
I like arrange marriages are not good because you should be able to choose who you marry and children with.
hello
i am an 18 middle eastern girl from the bay area. i have lived my whole life here and have seen and missed out on alot of what other girls my age are able to do. this summer my marriage was arranged to someone in another country and i flew over to meet him. although i did not meet him myself and fall in love with him on my own, i feel like the connection between me and him is just as strong and intimate as any love marriage. after getting to know him, i appreciated the fact that i was not allowed to participate in any of the activities i saw other girls of my age doing. my mom and dad always kept me away from those things and i appreciate it now more than ever. i went into my inlaws house repected and gave my parents high honor by decently leaving my home and entering into my inlaws home, completely saved for my husband. the love that i feel towards my husband is as great or maybe even greater than any love marriage. i not only married my husband but also marriedhis whole family and brought two families together. to me the best way of marriage is arranged marriage because our relationship is strong, intimate, passionate and will always remain stable because a marriage with an entire family requires more than just irreconciable differences to fall apart.
you all suck kinda a lil no alot but u know its all good just get a life then maybe we can get along. ya heard?
I’m very excited when knowing this information. I hope that eveybody will sympathize whit the people here.
I am completly for arranged marrige. It makes much more sence to me. I have been married myself that way. It has been 7 ya=ears since then and I appreciate more and more every day. I see so many girls my age that haven’t done anything purposefull in their life. They all consider getting drunk and high is the best way to be happy, and what happens later… They have couple kids and all of them from different parents, no connection between each other. That’s the problem in western countries, there is no connection, love or respect to parents or kids (between each other), so they grow up to be just two people that once lived under one roof. I am not saying that all of them are like that but the majority is.
It has been said above that in Islam they have two have intercourse with each other the first night after they get married, but it is completly wrong. Everything is done within the family to make sure the newly married couple spends as much time as possible with each other. They are not allowed to be outside their house after 6 PM for fourty days, and it is to insure that they spend more time with each other. So there is always time to get to know each other.
I love my husband, and trust me we are even more inlove and passionate to each other with every day that passes by.
Whats this shit about not being allowed out after 6pm for 40 days? Do you honestly believe that’s an Islamic rule – like they had watches in Arabia?? When I get married I intend to continue having a busy social life with and without hubby in tow! Thank goodness I dont believe in your rule.
This is in reply to the poster who felt they were decieved by their Indian boyfriend. Well I’m in the other side of the situation. I’m an Indian guy and been having a relationship with a non-indian gal. But the difference is I’ve kept her informed on the arranged marriage situation. But she still doesn’t understand it and because she loves me, is not willing to accept it. So I am put in a situation were I have to make her accept the reality and bring her to tears or take it one day at a time and live in a illusionary world were we think we can work it out. The reality is there is incredible pressure on single indian men and women to do an arraigned marriage. The biggest factor is the parents of course. The funny thing is that parents who left India long while back can be more persistant about arrainged marriages than those in India. I belive that is because their perceptions of societal expectations have frozen in time when they left India. They are living in the past. I know more Indian guys who married non-indian girls that have parents in India than not. I’ve met their parents and they are confortable with the relationship.
I’d like to respond to Gaurav Kumar (04/10/2004) who wrote that no-one knows the child better than the parent. This might be true when you are talking about a child aged under 16, but I’m 23 and I feel my parents barely understand me these days. Parents, just like other people become more restricted and narrow minded as they age. I dont feel like mine could open their minds enough to understand my worries and difficulties because their priorities are so different to what mine currently are. My parents may well know what’s best for me when I am 35, but that means 10 yrs of living with someone who doesnt fulfils the criteria I have aged 25-35! There are so many things young people cant possibly discuss with their parents. In this case, they turn to their friends who are dealing with the same issues (not even necessarily problems, just thoughts). I have no problem with arranged marriage – I only wish that you could put your best friend on the jugding panel too!
A few things I’ve read today
A victory for the pro-lifers today: The Senate Approves Ban on Abortion Procedure. Enjoy your victory while it lasts, is my advice to the right. Once I was very worried about this, but that was when I was assuming that…
i think arranged marriages are wrong.your not giving the people the life they deserve, they have to stay married to somebody they barely know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont think that peoples marriage should be arranged because they dont love them and they might not get on and people may not fill right with them
Arranged marriages “work” because in cultures where arranged marriage is the norm, there are no other options!
I grew up in India. Even a phone call with a male voice threw suspicious glances from family members.
Now, I am a lawyer, in New York, and things are not much better.
My parents had an arranged marriage. I have nothing to rile, rant and rave against it. Or for it.
If your culture doesn’t let you date or hang out with the opposite sex, then it’s the only way to get some.
I blog on my possible arranged marriage on http://www.arrangeme.blogspot.com