Arranged Marriage

Previous Posts in my series on marriage: Cousin marriage, forced marriage in Pakistan, forced marriage in Islam.

I had completely forgotten about completing this series until I saw Yasmine comment on Abez’s blog (no permalinks; look up the June 10 post titled “How I Own 1/7th of Riaz’s heart”).

Although Western socities tend to deride arranged marriages as backward and uncivilized and primitive, there do exist positive aspects. For example, Westerners focus more on the physical aspect of relationships, and are thus obsessed with love, sex, beauty, etc. As a result, people get married based on these factors and then get disenchanted with one another very easily. The divorce rate in Western countries such as the U.S. has skyrocketed. […]In contrast, Eastern cultures that practice arranged marriages place far more emphasis on the practical, such as integrity, diligence, ambition, humility, generosity, etc. People get married based on practical reasons, and work on building affection later. Strong characteristics like the ones described above are very conducive to building love and affection in Eastern marriages. As a result, these marriages are much longer-lasting than many Western marriages (at least, based on what i’ve seen so far). It’s BECAUSE the primary emphasis is NOT on love, sex, and physical beauty that arranged marriages are usually so successful, because the spouses get to know one another on a practical level first, looking beyond trivial issues such as beauty or lack thereof.

And, of course, i know it can go both ways: there ARE many arranged marriages that are just total hell, and there are marriages that started out based only on infatuation and grew stronger as time passed. But I think as long one as looks for the right characteristics in a potential spouse, then, arranged marriage or not, ‘s all good.

I won’t reply to her points directly but a discussion of the similar ideas comes later in this post.

First, we need to consider what an arranged marriage is. It is basically a marriage which is arranged by someone other than the couple themselves, usually their parents. It encompasses a lot of different varieties: the harshest arranged marriages are almost forced upon the bride or groom while the most liberal ones start with just an introduction of the coouple through their parents and the rest is up to the couple.

Traditionally in arranged marriages, the decision is made by the parents of the couple and they have to abide by that decision. It was quite likely that they would see each other for the first time after their wedding. These marriages are still prevalent though in lesser numbers than the past. I know quite a few people who are actually proud that they did not meet with their spouse before marriage and married a total stranger. Another thing that I have heard happen is that the parents are usually so confident of their child agreeing to whoever they arrange their marriage with that they don’t bother asking for their opinion before finalizing the proposal. The guy or girl is then left with little choice but to agree.

Then there is the emotional pressure or even emotional blackmail. Parents beseech their children to agree to a proposal before they die or make use of other emotional pressures. A very mild example is shown in this Washington Post article:

But the Patels didn’t drop the idea [of going to India from the US to look for a groom for their daughter], and Indian daughters hesitate to defy their parents. Many times her mother had prepared vegetarian meals for Vibha while she was away at college, and her father had driven nearly five hours to Blacksburg to deliver them, then turned around and headed home — how could she now dismiss their wishes? Her father’s eldest brother, dying in a nearby hospice with the whole family gathered around, yearned to see her engaged — shouldn’t she give him this final pleasure?

The more liberal arranged marriages nowadays are called “semi-arranged marriage,” or “arranged introduction” by some people. Here, the process starts with the parents but the guy and girl have input as well and the final decision is the couple’s. That’s why some proponents of arranged marriage say that it is no different than your mom setting you up on a date. However, there is a huge difference.

They [the parents] run ads, canvass Web sites, put the word out on the community grapevine: Dad’s aunt knows a nice Bengali family in Atlanta whose nephew is an electrical engineer. Mom’s medical school classmate in Detroit has a cousin with a single daughter working with computers in Bangalore.

After their parents perform due diligence — Hindu marriages are considered a union of two families, not merely two individuals, so bloodlines and reputations matter — the children meet and spend time together and decide whether their relationship has a future. A voluntary process, no different from having your friends fix you up, the fixed-up like to say.

But it is different. Families —- many of whom disapprove of or forbid dating —- don’t want to introduce their kids to someone to hang out with or move in with; they want a wedding, and soon. Vinay’s relatives think that after he’s spent three or four evenings with a woman, he ought to know: She’s his future bride or she’s history.

So the parents have a large amount of input in deciding who gets through the initial vetting. Also, there is pressure to make a decision. One is not allowed to take the time it takes to get to know someone, but has to decide on a deadline.

In Muslim families, one-on-one meeting is generally out. So the couple get together along with their parents or in more liberal families with a chaperone. Try meeting your future wife for the only time before your wedding decision in front of both your parents and then try striking up a conversation with her.

People think that the do-it-yourself marriages (“love marriages”) in the West rely on superficial characteristics like physical beauty. Here’s the ad placed by Vinay’s parents:

Punjabi parents desire beautiful, professional, never married, US raised girl for handsome son, 34, 5’10”/150, fair, slim, athletic, engineer/MBA, consultant in DC area. Enjoys travel, sports, music. Please reply …

When parents go looking for a spouse for their child, they consider beauty, ethnicity, religion, education, social/financial status and even horoscopes. Which of these criteria are superficial? There are times when a guy’s mom would reject girls because of the smallest “defects” in physical appearance. Or because of the girl being a bit older than the guy (even by a few months).

Ethnicity and religion are very important factors that most parents don’t overlook for arranged marriages. I know a number of guys whose families insisted that they had to marry another Pathan (an ethnic group in NWFP, Pakistan and in Afghanistan) even though these guys and their families had otherwise completely assimilated in Lahore or Karachi for hundreds of years. No one in their families spoke Pashto or Dari, the languages that Pathans/Pashtuns speak. Still their families would not think of marrying someone outside their definition of the tribes that comprise the Pathans.

Imagine how many parents in the US are comfortable with their children marrying someone of another race. Now think what would happen if these parents could decide who could or could not marry their kid. The result would definitely be far less miscegenation. And that’s what happens in societies with arranged marriages.

In the end, the discussion of arranged and love marriages comes down to which is better. Obviously, the one that leads to more successful marriages. Proponents of arranged marriage claim that it is more successful, but their definition of success focusses on divorce rates.

It [arranged marriage] works better than Americans’ impulsive love marriages, which so often split apart. “We have less divorce,” Vibha’s mother points out. “That’s what results tell us.”

But are divorce rates really a measure of successful marriage? Do all the couples that don’t get divorced stay happy with each other? The prevalence of divorce in a society depends on a lot of factors including the stigma of divorce.

In fact, the advantages and drawbacks of arranged marriages can’t be so easily appraised. The incidence of divorce among Indian-born Americans is dramatically lower than among Americans generally, but that partly reflects the continuing stigma of divorce. Even as the divorce rate among Indian Americans appears to be increasing, the topic is rarely discussed. […]Divorce reflects poorly on an Indian family, and some proportion of arranged marriages endure not because they are successful or rewarding, but because leaving them would bring such shame.

In addition, the concept of a woman living independently is foreign to most people in South Asian culture. Also, a majority of women don’t work in Pakistan and hence find it difficult to have enough money to support themselves without getting married or after getting divorced.

And many endure because the definition of success differs from Western ideas. Traditional Indians don’t expect a partner to be that improbable combination of soul mate/confidante/red-hot lover/best friend. “The husband-wife bond is one of reliability and dependability and complementary family roles — raising children, caring for elders,” explains Karen Leonard, author of The South Asian Americans and a University of California-Irvine anthropologist. “They may communicate very little in intimate ways, and it’s still a good marriage.”

Hence, they are married as strangers and stay strangers all their lives.

Arranged marriages are the norm in Pakistan and if its proponents are right, then marriages should be very successful there in general. In terms of divorce rates, they are but then how to explain this:

Estimates of the percentage of women who experience domestic violence in Pakistan range from 70 to upwards of 90 percent.

A lot of people nowadays think that arranged marriages are somehow tied to Islam or Muslims. In fact, arranged marriages are common in a lot of societies in Africa and Asia. They are the norm in India and Japan among other countries.

What is the position of Islam on the topic of arranged marriage? As I mentioned in my post about forced marriage in Islam, traditional and conservative scholars require the approval of the bride’s guardian for her marriage (a position I disagree with). In addition, conservatives are wary of any kind of mixing of the sexes socially. Therefore, for women, there is not much of a practical way out of this dilemma. Some modern scholars however disagree and allow a couple to get married without parental involvement. They still disagree with dating, but meeting of the couple for the purpose of making a decision about marriage is allowed. So, the marriage would tend to be like the “semi-arranged marriage.”

A final question to anyone who favors arranged marriage and specially those who don’t want the couple to get to know each other before marriage: What do you think about having sex with a stranger to whom you are married? Or do you think a couple like that should wait until they know each other better?

By Zack

Dad, gadget guy, bookworm, political animal, global nomad, cyclist, hiker, tennis player, photographer

347 comments

  1. I was hoping to get some help. My fiance’ is from Kenya. I’m from USA. When he told his parents we were getting married, they arranged for him to mary someone else and told him he had to come home. They sent the girl to the states for him to see. I don’t know what to do we both love each other, can someone give me any advice?

  2. Dear ladies,

    I am about to lose a very beautiful westernized Indian man to an ‘arranged marriage’. He lied to me about his age and his prospects in order to secure a relationship with me. After I questioned him about his freedom and we made love he told me the truth – I was extremely mad at him for I would not have proceeded if I had known the facts … . I am much older than he is and more experinced in life and no doubt he wanted me at any price… so he lied. He gave me his virginity at thirty years of age and I gave him my love. We had intense intimacy and many profound experiences.

    There is the outer and inner marriage. There is one area where the greatest secrets are kept – the bedroom. This is the place of truth for all couples that no one can access – a sacred place – that not even the parents can access. I am sure what he and I shared will never be matched again in either of our lives. Nevertheless, in two days he will be gone to an arranged marriage in India – to marry someone he does not know and to some one he is not sure he will be compatiable with – especially in the bedroom which I know is of great importance to him for he is love-hungry. I am sure that she will not enjoy him. I do not see good things for her because he is not yet experienced enough to know how to give pleasure to a young inexperienced woman and I foresee that his discontent with her rejections will become buried and channelled into more smoking, more stress and anxiety. My repsonse to his bad news and the desception – apart from deep heart-ache – was to ask him to ask his father what it was like to be married to a ‘frigid’ woman all those years. If his Indian father was happy with that and a meddlesome domineering disontent cold Indian woman then I will be happy for my lover. Chances are that he will repeat the errors his father.

    I am a western Christian woman with the beliefs and ideals of angels. I have read all your comments and tragedies with great interest but still feel hollow and sad. Love conquers all – so I believe. But to conquer one must have great endurance and courage … few of us have this rare gift. It is easy to go through life without testing the soul. It is easy to follow tradition. Most of the world lacks courage and so there will always be arranged marriages. What I have concluded from my observations is that Indian, Middle Eastern and Asian men think Western women are filthy or impure. This is a fact. So we have little chance of out-classing any tradition unless we become desirable and advantageous to the other culture – this requires money, power, status and prestige etc… I am an educated woman with some social prestige but I still do not see my lover finding courage to overcome his strong mother or his sister or the constraints of the Indian system into which he was born, no matter how western he may appear to be. I saw him lament at the loss of freedom. But as a married man he will also be free from the relentless 24-hour-watch of his family who dogger and pester him to do their will. I also see his ‘winging woman’ of a brother-in-law wants to make my lover as miserable as he is – I do not see true happiness just acceptance.

    I am powerless. The only advice I can offer to Western women is to lift their game and make any man earn her love and her attention. Test him, screen him and raise the standards. The Anglo race has a tough time in the centuries ahead. I foresee that the fair haired race could become extinct as each Indian and Asian family etc., uses the system in Europe, Australia and Amercia to import family members through the back-door of arranged marriages and swamp the world with its culture. For every imported bride in the Western World there are at least four to five family members from another culture getting into the country. For every Western man who marries an Indian woman there are four or five Indian family members trying to get into the country. The truth is, they want what we have.They want to leave their own land full of poverty and mismanagement and invade ours – I see my lover as a co-conspirator in the plot.

    I probably will have little to do with him in the future although there is talk of a ‘lifelong’ friendship. I said to him – ‘One has to earn friendship for it is filled with honour.’ I said that I did not think he knew how to be my friend. So darlings, I am miserable, lonely and decieved, but I had a wonderful encounter with a wonderful man which left me enriched. My destiny will be clearer in the next month – with or without him. This is the fourth woman he has considered for marriage. I know he will not marry me. My future at least is clear here.

    J

  3. This comment thread has gotten out of control. There are lots of comments here, some useful and others full of stereotypes etc., some related to the topic at hand and others off-topic. I will let all of them stand.

    I have said what I wanted to about arranged marriage and don’t have the time or energy to reply to the comments here.

  4. Here I am a non-Indian guy who is in a loving relationship with a beautiful intelligent Indian girl. She is the daughter of a Hindu priest and has been groomed her entire life to be someone’s wife. Our relationship consists mainly of hours and hours talking on the phone at night when her parents think that she is asleep. We see each other at work for a few moments every few days. We have managed to find 4 or 5 hours a week to be together in person mainly out of our area because to be seen together would be the end for her. Her parents have denied her the opportunity to become a US citizen so that they can threaten her with deportation to India if ever something like what is happening with me was discovered. We both believe strongly against premarital sex and have not gone down that road, so the typical arguments against a purely sexually motivated love relationship are not valid (although it disgusts me to think of her giving that gift to a stranger instead of to each other). We have been together long enough to know that we do not want to be with any other person. In spite of all of this she is so close to her family. With her father in such a public position there is no way that he would ever accept her choosing her own husband. Never would he accept a non-Hindu and definitely not a non-Indian. We dream of being together and having a life full of love and family, but it seems as if this is not to be. So she is faced with a horrible choice: her family or me. To choose her family means a life married to a man that she does not know or love, knowing all the time that the man she does is still waiting for her. To choose me is to alienate herself from her family, but if the choice was us not a day would go by that I would not pursue a relationship with them. In a thought that is completely not Indian, I hope beyond hope that if they truly love her they will accept us and keep her. She is so giving and self sacrificing that she will likely give up all that matters to her in our relationship to follow the wishes of her parents, who coincidentally will not have to be forced into a marriage with a stranger, be forced to give themselves to this stranger physically, mentally and emotionally, to be forced to have children that will be raised in a family where their mother has sacrificed her independence, her ambitions and her emotions to please parents that are not willing to change their ways to see their daughter happy with the person that she loves. I am trying to understand, and I am living each day trying to express my love to her in a way that will make it possible that there will be a choice and that she can choose us. Arraigned marriage, forced pairing, does affect people negatively by taking away all the freedom and choice that makes us different from plants. It subjects a girl to a life that is not hers, will rob me of the only person in the world that I have ever or will ever love, will rob her future husband of the gift of her entire heart, will rob her parents of ever having a relationship with their daughter where she does not secretly or overtly resent the decision that they have made for her, will keep her children from knowing the joy of being raised by parents that model the ultimate picture of devotion and love. So tell me that this is right and I will never believe for a moment that that is the truth.

  5. I’ve been born in England and i am indian. After reading what other people have wrote, the cases where the arranged marriage has got out of hand etc, aren’t nice, and I don’t wish it upon anyone. But what I don’t get, is how people against arranged marriages write about how they have been forced into it, etc. If they have been forced into it, then that is a forced marriagenot arranged. I personally, would marry for love if I ever found anyone. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with arranged marriages. They are what they are called: Arranged. Arranged marriages are when parents find a guy/girl, and introduce their child to them, however the child has a say in it and can agree/disagree. I admit there was a time when you couldnt have a say in your marriage especially in India and that, but times have changed now, and if you don’t agree in a marriage proposal but are being made to marry this person, then it is forced, not arranged. there is a whole big difference between them.

  6. Manpreet: You are correct, but the line between arranged marriage and forced marriage can sometimes be fine indeed.

  7. Brass Crescent Awards Voting

    The nomination stage is over and it’s voting time. And it seems you like me, really like me since I have been nominated in so many categories: Best Writing Best Single Post: Two nominations for Do They Look Like Me?…

  8. Hi.
    My name is Simran and I’m 17 years old. the topi c of my marriage has been bought up plenty of times. Coming from a sinlge parented family helps, as my mum has not got typical views. she believes it is my choice who i marry however i know and feeel that an arranged marriage is what she wants from me. my extended family want me to no matter what – no questions aked. all i knoiw is that if i do have an arranged marriages, i will die before my children do. i believe that we should chose our own partners – no matter what, although i accept that i may not. my kids wont though, no matter what their grand parents think.
    Simran

  10. im form lebanon ,30 years old,working in marketing ,christian. i want to marry a girl from usa.

  11. Hi Walid Filfili,
    I was browsing the net and I saw that you are interested to get married to an american girl…. I like middle eastern man, and I would like to go to your country and explore more about you and your culture.
    Let me know if you are interested, I am a single female, 27 years old, white, origianlly from mexico, living in texas now.
    Tell me more about you, and what do you do on weekends.
    Feel free to reply to my e-mail, and will see how it goes from there.
    Looking forward to hear from you,
    Sandra

  13. Gee I don’t know what to say, except that the comments section has gone from thought-provoking to a rambling contest to finally morphing into some sort of a match-making section.

  14. i am a coccassion girl living in britain however my boyfriend is sikh. he’s the youngest and is expected to follow tradition and is due to be engaged in 6 months. at the moment he is fighting his parents to call off the engagement and is willing to have a marriage just not whilst we’re together. he has been faced with the ultimatum to either break off all contact with me or to leave home and never go back, he’s still fighting it and i won’t let him ruin his life by leaving as he’ll have no family but we’re too much in love to break up. i believe it is unfair to emotionally blackmail someone into marrying if they do not want to. arranged marriage is acceptable providing all parties in the situation are willing.

  15. Forced Marriage: Post #1

    See my first post in this series on cousin marriages here. I’ll start out by quoting from Amnesty International’s reports about forced marriages in Pakistan as well as what sometimes happens if a woman marries someone of her own choice….

  16. Practical uses? and what are they!?! The reason divorces are so f-ing low in india is because people are frighned of losing the family wealth etc. Many women everysingle day are in tears knowing that they cannot be happy with their arranges marraige!

  18. This is interesting discussion.I am 30yr old Indian guy who lived in states for 6 yrs so far.I have seen both worlds and these are my observations.
    There is nothing inherently wrong in current arranged marriage culture.The boy or girl still have choice to say yes or no.Many westerners think they don’t have choice.Agreed there is no romance betweeen them.But Let us consider why partners look for each other in arranged marriage
    1.For girls,the guy has to have good job and able to give financial security to girl.This is very mature thing to do.Because money is very important these days.
    2.For guys,the girl has to be beautiful preferably.If not, the girl atleast has to have lot of money (dowry).This part is bad.Look at enormous pressure it puts on poor parents.Whatever they earn they have to give.Very unfair and clear case of male domination.
    3.Both consider family backgrounds and values like humility,respect towards others etc.I do believe in the fact that in-laws give an idea of how the girl or boy is likely to be.It sounds little crude but it is true
    Now let us look at disadvantages of arrangement marriage.The parents try to see girl or boy in same caste.This is how evil caste system is perpetuated in India.
    Another disadvantage is, the girl or guy become victim if their family background is bad.
    Very sad.

    Now let us take dating culture.The main reason for divorce in dating culture is ..people are selective and base things out of emotions like lust,beauty and money.Based on my observation, Dating culture (not everyone ofcourse) tend to ignore long term qualities like acceptance,tolerance,mature ability to solve relationship problem with tolerance and patience.People immediately look for choices and since they don’t get what they want —- they divorce.They went in with expectations and they didn’t get what they wanted. makes sense. But little children who are deprived of parental love are worse sufferers.How can parents devote time to children if they are not happy themselves.How can outsider give parental love ?
    However dating culture gives freedom to choose someone one likes and get out of bad realtionship.What is point in staying in relationship which is obusive.
    In nutshell, Dating culture is hightly conditional due to selectiveness.However it truely gives human freedom if it is based on both love and acceptance ( You love someone because someone is honest,beautiful,wealthy but you accept someone unconditionally because they are human).
    Here is my conclusion,If both love and acceptance are combined ..that means one tries to love desirable qualities and at sametime accepting ones weakness.It is both not either/or.
    I have every hope that marriages will be successfull. We can move towards a culture taking the best of dating and arranged marriage cultures together.!!!

  19. Whether it’s Love marriage or Arranged Marriage, both sides have to be responsible and compromising. Americans are egoistic, open-minded and uncompromising. Indian nature is to hide our feelings, put up with shit and somehow get along.

    As for my fellow indians who like to boast about their arranged marriage system being superior to american dating system under the premise that the divorce rates are much lower, here’s some food for thought:

    Take the case of Italy where the divorce rate is only about half of that of India, and Italians follow the Catholic religion/culture which preaches in love marriages. But Catholics believe in ‘love until death do us part’ and are strictly against divorce, making Italians more serious about their marriage responsibilities and stuff. This is the same even with Hindu relegion too. However, British, Americans, Germans etc. are Protestants who support the divorce and remarriage system, which is the reason why the divorce rates are enormous in those countries

    I, personally, strongly support the ‘Love marriage’ system. However, I also believe that Americans treat love as a materialistic desire (i.e. like beautiful toys or gadgets which kids like to play with). That is an obvious premise for a break-up. True, real love means an understanding for each other that they can trust, get along with each other very well (similar or matching personality/character) & not necesarry that they must be good-looking or sexy.

    I, personally, am against the arranged marriage system because though it’s your parents whom you can always trust and approach for advice, it is ultimately YOU who really knows what is best for YOU & you decide your life – your parents can only point the way for you, but ultimately you are the one who will lead your own life. You have to decide what you will study, what job you will do, and whom you are in love with & decide to marry.

    BTW, my opinions and beliefs have also been based on the history of marriages in my family ( you can get a hint from my username) – almost all of them (90% arranged) have all turned into a big mess except in the case of my parents, although none of them ended up in divorce.

  22. I am doing a paper on the subject of arranged marriage and originally I was going to do it against it. As of this point, thanks to some things to think about, from your site, I may do it for arranged marriages. Thank you.

  23. i am 19 years old, brought up in Canada, but i was born in India…and all i wanna say is that i am totally against ARRANGED MARRIAGE, even if my parents pressure me about marriage…i dont care, becoz, i am gonna get married with someone that i want,( only an indian), not someone that they wants me get married.

  24. I am looking for a Western-minded woman who agreed to an arranged marriage and as a result has a very successful marriage with the values and traditions she and her family wanted. I’d like to feature such a young woman in an article I’m doing for Seventeen magazine. Please contact me if you’re interested or know someone! Thanks. Lynne – lmcohn@juno.com

  25. Many people say there are positive things about arranged marraiges, and that they’re planned out more and all, so they’re more successful. yet, I truly feel that it should ONLY be used as a second resort IF you cannot find a suitable partner on your own. I’m a gujarati girl who met a wonderful UP boy who was woderful in every way possible, except that he was majoring in finance, not medicine, which is what my folks wanted, and i let him go, thinking they knew what’s best for me, and now i’m heart-broken. though my folks want the best, they have mostly utopian ideals for me, and i don’t want that. Thus, i’ve decided to find my own way, and my own life partner. I’ll make sure he’s a good education and job, and i’ll take my parents’ considerations in as well, but most importantly, i’ll see that he’s kind, honest, respects me, is romantic, and soft-hearted, all of which are attributes i want. I simply cann’t learn to love someone after marriages, as my folks hope will happen to me. All these attributes are sometimes truly hard to find in a lot of Indian men nowadays, but I won’t give up. I’ll search for love, and God willing, I’ll find it. India is a very closed society, wehere a man and woman have very little contact, and that’s why rape is on the rise there, and even fully-clothed, well-mannered women are sexually harassesd and touched, if you have an open, free society, albeit with certain restrictions, then people will generally be healthier, as studies have shown, towards relationships and all. Many indian women are pressured into marriage, and stay married because of the fear of being alone with no support in this male-dominated society. Women in India really do have a long way to go. India may look modern on the outside, with it’s economic boom and all, but scratch the surface and you’ll see a country where the rule of law is at times easily dismissed in the eyes of a more traditional culture that enforces its opinions on society, especially upon the younger generation. Not only does India discriminte against women, it makes life miserable for the men that wnat to make changes and reform. Thus, people have to do things they can’t do to get around the traditional culture. I remember growing up, and the lies and silly games girls would have to play to manipulate their folks so that they could go out with a guy, and get around the traditional culture. It was Ridiculous. I think the concept of love marriages are better, since we have more of a say of what we want. i think it’s better for a society to first let people try to find a good partner on their own, but if they can’t, then they can go to their family for help. There are so many hurdles to the indian system of marriage, like the girls and boys of lower castes automatically get rejected for marriages for other people of higher castes, and i know from my own family that we indians tend to stay married for the kids, since divorced is frowned upon. To be quite honest with you, I truly feel India is in many ways backward socially, especially for the 21st century. We’re still stuck in the dark ages. Even the aranged marriage system and the caste system has almost been completely eradicated in Sri lanka, which certainly says something about the lack of social progess in India. I just hope when our folks are fold, and when our kids are at marriage age, that we don’t restrict them like our folks did to us. Can someone please post a reply of my views ont this, especially how I feel India is still somewhat backward? thanks.

  26. gujarati_girl, your parents forced you against marrying your lover – that is just totally immoral and against goodwill. They should only arrange your marriage if you want them to. But unfortunately, having followed the tradition for ages, parents are most of the time forceful in deciding your marriage once they take the responsibility. Sadly, very few parents give their children the option of making their own choices in life.

  28. And I Bet You Are Too American…

    What do you do with children capable of unabashedly celebrating a young woman’s death because she was “imbued with Western ways”?
    Teach them some philosophy and a few Western ethics?
    Really.

  31. bob: Arranged marriage is not an Islamic thing, it’s a cultural thing. The Washington Post article I discussed in my post was about an Indian Hindu arranged marriage.

  32. iyer, what do you mean when you said they’ve followed the tradition of the ages? i understand that you must respect and listen to your folks, but there’s gonna be a time in life when kids need to grow up and find their own way. my parents’ marriage was arranged, and tough they’ve learned to love each other, i know my mom at least wouldn’ty have gone through with it again. my dad married her to come to america, and though they’re still together, i do wish they had more choices in life. just because they were restricted in life doesn’t mean that they have to restrict us as well. I miss that UP boy SO much, and i really feel this arranged marriage system is partly to blame for. believe it or not, there is ALWAYS some pressure in this system, like once my folks introduce me to a guy, they really want me to decide within 3 to 4 months if he’s the one for me. is this not pressure? what do you say to that? I’m a girl who loves and always respects my folks, but it’s not good indian parents try to control their kids. as a matter of fact, because they forbid dating, many indians get out of college, then try to let their folks find a person for them, but they can’t settle down, since mental compatibility is often neglected, thus many of my cousins are still 27 28 years old and single. I just feel that if we’d more of an open society, then there’d be greater chances of people finding someone at the right time. Moreover, it’s not just about marriage. I firmly believe that it’s a wonderful feeling when you’ve someone special to share your thoughts, feelings, and problems with, to go to places with, and to share love, before you settle down, and now that I’m 21, I really regret that I let that UP boy go, for we could’ve had something special. you can’t live life through the arranged system, not in this century. i just hope the right guy finds me soon. Do any of you feel he’ll find me? because i surely don’t want to have to go back to India to find a spouse. help! thanks.

  33. i really think this site is a great tool to use for projects and well, just for practicle advise. thanks to all the people that have posted their stories, opinions, and their personal advice. im using this site for a school project and it is really going to help! thanks to the creator

  34. I think the author the original post is delusioned or he doesnt know what is right or wrong. He is bluffing
    I am an indian guy and ive noticed many faults in the indian marriage system.

    he points out that the whole idea of western marriages is silly . but this is not true . Many western marriages do last for a life time

    and even though indians are “married” for a long time , they are screwing other partners than their spouses just bcoz they are not happy with their marriage also because of social shame of divorce.

    I am not a big fan of arranged marriage. The whole idea of adjusting and starting to “love” ( not physical love) their partner after marriage is ridiculous.People marry and then then prepare themselves to fall in “LOVE” !!!!!!!!!!!

    what more can i say??

  35. cool maniac:

    I think the author the original post is delusioned or he doesnt know what is right or wrong.

    I thought in my original post I made the problems with arranged marriages quite clear.

  36. In Western culture dating does not always take place on the basis of lust. I am a Christian and I date to find someone to marry who will be a strong Christian influence in my home and on my children. I want to find a man whose life imitates the life of Christ in gentleness and love. What is the verse,
    Love is patient; love is kind
    and envies no one.
    Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
    never selfish, not quick to take offense.
    There is nothing love cannot face;
    there is no limit to its faith,
    its hope, and endurance.
    Something like that anyway.
    I want to be loved like that. The way that Christ loves the church (believers, not the building 🙂 ). Jesus’s love was not of words alone but of deeds. Giving his life so that people who scorned him, who didn’t have the truth, people who fell short of the law would have a chance at heaven and at experiencing his love. I want a husband who strives for this kind of love. A husband who can love me like that because Jesus is loving him like that and showing him the way. I think sometimes that other parts of the world do not see the whole picture of Western culture. A part of Western culture is what you don’t see on tv. A quiet part. Families. Marriages that last and are fulfilling. Churches collecting money to send to those who are less fortunate. The media focuses on the negative of our country just like it focuses on the negative of yours. That is their job I guess. To get people to watch. Maybe I am being random here.It’s what is on my heart. I hope this helps the discussion.

  39. Thanks for the views on AM. In my life, I could not come across a girl, who I would like to marry and now I have received a few proposals, originally sent to my parents.

    One proposal is from a girl (Indian), 11 years younger (my age is 33) and the family is very keen to get her married. Having negatively analysed all aspects of the girl in regard to her health, education, social life, financial backgrounds, etc.., I could not find any thing wrong in her. I also am not too good looking nor rich for which reason she should be interested in me, but am very good natured and from a good family.

    Now keeping in mind the age gap, do you think this arranged marriage will last??

  41. Iyer.

    Do you mean that to say that one should look for a husband that is your best friend? Or to say that you can’t find that kind of love in a husband, only in a best friend?

    I believe in the first. I believe in holding on to the dream of marrying someone with a Christlike love.

  42. Well, if you can find a husband who will give you that kind of love – that is great 🙂

    But I also strongly believe that the Christlike love you mentioned, in reality actually exists between you and your best friend (irrelevant of whether you are sexually attracted or not).

  43. Hey guys great discussion on arranged marriages. Iam doing a speech on Indian arranges marriages and although i have finished writing it…iam havin trouble thinking of a catchy introduction. I’ll be really grateful if i could receive some feedback

    Thanks
    Anjali

  44. A lot of modern people frown upon the system of “Arranged Marriages” because they do not understand how it actually works. Here is a very simple anecdote of how arranged matches work compared to the ones out of love:

    Lat week, I went to the market to buy a good soap. I looked at all the available ones, but one soap I just caught sight of, looked very attractive with a colourful design and “catchy” technical info and the manufacturer seemed to be a reputed one. It was expensive, but I decided to buy it anyway as I liked it. But when I started using the soap, I realized I made a big mistake – the soap was utterly useless, it hardly lathered & even after rinsing my body, some of it was still ‘sticking’ on me & was like a total pain to get rid of it – I was cheated and decieved – the soap manufacturer put on an attractive cover and catchy info about the “3x clean guaranteed, blah blah blah…”, just to ‘coax’ consumers into buying the soap and making sales. And without even hesitating, I dumped it immediately after using it twice.

    I went back to the market a couple of days back, this time with a friend. I went to purchase another soap, then he picked out one soap & recommended me to try it out. I was initially a bit hesistant to buy it, as the soap looked very simple and unattractive – there was barely a logo on the cover & little or no technical info at the back. But my friend said that he is currently using it, and it is very effective. So, I decided to give it a try & bought it. And it was only when I had my bath with it, that I found out how good it was – the soap was much more (really 3x!!!) effective in taking off the sweat and dirt off my body, and could rinse it off very easily. Now, despite how unattractive it looks like, it has become my favourite soap 🙂

    Amazing isn’t it? That’s what love affairs are all about – merely ‘falling for’ the outer appearance and looks and personality(faked on purpose?), but only when this turns into a serious relationship, that the reality surfaces & the dark side comes out & the people involved in it feel decieved and cheated. And, obviously, they break up.

    Whereas, in an arranged marriage, the parents of each child know what they really are & thus can make a better judgement in deciding which girl/boy will best match and lead a happy life. Agreed, the married couple may not really be attracted to each other (heck, they may even hate each other!), but eventually, after marriage they realize how well they are getting along with each other & thus they really start to love each other (Just like how I am loving my new soap 🙂 ).

  45. phoenix1982:

    Agreed, the married couple may not really be attracted to each other (heck, they may even hate each other!), but eventually, after marriage they realize how well they are getting along with each other & thus they really start to love each other.

    You aren’t serious, are you? You seem to be defending arranged marriages but you think that the married couple hating each other is ok because they will eventually start loving each other?????? That doesn’t seem to make any sense to me.

  46. It is possible Zack – that ‘hatred’ is only an initial feeling that arises due to either a lack of sexual chemistry, or the use of force.

    But once they start living together, they realize how well they are getting along with each other. Thus, though they are not attracted to each other, they start understanding and respecting each other.

    However, this is not necessarily always the case. There are also lots of couples who have not got along & are still leading a miserable marital life, as divorce is not an option in their society.

  47. I have read the above article, and do agree that marriage, in and of itself, is hard work. though to the last question of whether you would sleep with a stranger that you are married to. the answer, sure, is no, but that would also allow the two people to get to know eachother, instead of the western phylosyghy of screw first marry second… which helps the teen pregnancy stats. perhaps an arranged marriage is for the good of some people, and some need the freedom to choose. that is up to the person themselves, if their culture demands that they get married through arrangment, and they do not wish to, then it should be their choice, not the choice of a community, or religion. if they wants to be in an arranged marriage, then they are simply looking for the companionship that marriage brings, sex is not the first thing on their mind, getting to know the person, finding out about themselves and their partner, that is what is importent.

  48. phoenix1982: hatred … use of force … getting along with each other

    I don’t think that would work.

    mark: I agree with you. In my article, I just wanted to point out that arrange marriage is part of a social setup and the sort of things parents look for might not be compatibility of the spouses.

  49. Hello – I heard on MBC that a religious figure in Suadi Arabia has suggested that anyone who forces a woman into marriage should be punished by law since that is forbidden by Islam and it’s teachings. I’ve been searching the web for those comments, but so far I haven’t found anything. Please let me know where to look as I find this a big and a very important move for the Muslim move… AMEN

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