Previous Posts in my series on marriage: Cousin marriage, forced marriage in Pakistan, forced marriage in Islam.
I had completely forgotten about completing this series until I saw Yasmine comment on Abez’s blog (no permalinks; look up the June 10 post titled “How I Own 1/7th of Riaz’s heart”).
Although Western socities tend to deride arranged marriages as backward and uncivilized and primitive, there do exist positive aspects. For example, Westerners focus more on the physical aspect of relationships, and are thus obsessed with love, sex, beauty, etc. As a result, people get married based on these factors and then get disenchanted with one another very easily. The divorce rate in Western countries such as the U.S. has skyrocketed. […]In contrast, Eastern cultures that practice arranged marriages place far more emphasis on the practical, such as integrity, diligence, ambition, humility, generosity, etc. People get married based on practical reasons, and work on building affection later. Strong characteristics like the ones described above are very conducive to building love and affection in Eastern marriages. As a result, these marriages are much longer-lasting than many Western marriages (at least, based on what i’ve seen so far). It’s BECAUSE the primary emphasis is NOT on love, sex, and physical beauty that arranged marriages are usually so successful, because the spouses get to know one another on a practical level first, looking beyond trivial issues such as beauty or lack thereof.
And, of course, i know it can go both ways: there ARE many arranged marriages that are just total hell, and there are marriages that started out based only on infatuation and grew stronger as time passed. But I think as long one as looks for the right characteristics in a potential spouse, then, arranged marriage or not, ‘s all good.
I won’t reply to her points directly but a discussion of the similar ideas comes later in this post.
First, we need to consider what an arranged marriage is. It is basically a marriage which is arranged by someone other than the couple themselves, usually their parents. It encompasses a lot of different varieties: the harshest arranged marriages are almost forced upon the bride or groom while the most liberal ones start with just an introduction of the coouple through their parents and the rest is up to the couple.
Traditionally in arranged marriages, the decision is made by the parents of the couple and they have to abide by that decision. It was quite likely that they would see each other for the first time after their wedding. These marriages are still prevalent though in lesser numbers than the past. I know quite a few people who are actually proud that they did not meet with their spouse before marriage and married a total stranger. Another thing that I have heard happen is that the parents are usually so confident of their child agreeing to whoever they arrange their marriage with that they don’t bother asking for their opinion before finalizing the proposal. The guy or girl is then left with little choice but to agree.
Then there is the emotional pressure or even emotional blackmail. Parents beseech their children to agree to a proposal before they die or make use of other emotional pressures. A very mild example is shown in this Washington Post article:
But the Patels didn’t drop the idea [of going to India from the US to look for a groom for their daughter], and Indian daughters hesitate to defy their parents. Many times her mother had prepared vegetarian meals for Vibha while she was away at college, and her father had driven nearly five hours to Blacksburg to deliver them, then turned around and headed home — how could she now dismiss their wishes? Her father’s eldest brother, dying in a nearby hospice with the whole family gathered around, yearned to see her engaged — shouldn’t she give him this final pleasure?
The more liberal arranged marriages nowadays are called “semi-arranged marriage,” or “arranged introduction” by some people. Here, the process starts with the parents but the guy and girl have input as well and the final decision is the couple’s. That’s why some proponents of arranged marriage say that it is no different than your mom setting you up on a date. However, there is a huge difference.
They [the parents] run ads, canvass Web sites, put the word out on the community grapevine: Dad’s aunt knows a nice Bengali family in Atlanta whose nephew is an electrical engineer. Mom’s medical school classmate in Detroit has a cousin with a single daughter working with computers in Bangalore.
After their parents perform due diligence — Hindu marriages are considered a union of two families, not merely two individuals, so bloodlines and reputations matter — the children meet and spend time together and decide whether their relationship has a future. A voluntary process, no different from having your friends fix you up, the fixed-up like to say.
But it is different. Families —- many of whom disapprove of or forbid dating —- don’t want to introduce their kids to someone to hang out with or move in with; they want a wedding, and soon. Vinay’s relatives think that after he’s spent three or four evenings with a woman, he ought to know: She’s his future bride or she’s history.
So the parents have a large amount of input in deciding who gets through the initial vetting. Also, there is pressure to make a decision. One is not allowed to take the time it takes to get to know someone, but has to decide on a deadline.
In Muslim families, one-on-one meeting is generally out. So the couple get together along with their parents or in more liberal families with a chaperone. Try meeting your future wife for the only time before your wedding decision in front of both your parents and then try striking up a conversation with her.
People think that the do-it-yourself marriages (“love marriages”) in the West rely on superficial characteristics like physical beauty. Here’s the ad placed by Vinay’s parents:
Punjabi parents desire beautiful, professional, never married, US raised girl for handsome son, 34, 5’10”/150, fair, slim, athletic, engineer/MBA, consultant in DC area. Enjoys travel, sports, music. Please reply …
When parents go looking for a spouse for their child, they consider beauty, ethnicity, religion, education, social/financial status and even horoscopes. Which of these criteria are superficial? There are times when a guy’s mom would reject girls because of the smallest “defects” in physical appearance. Or because of the girl being a bit older than the guy (even by a few months).
Ethnicity and religion are very important factors that most parents don’t overlook for arranged marriages. I know a number of guys whose families insisted that they had to marry another Pathan (an ethnic group in NWFP, Pakistan and in Afghanistan) even though these guys and their families had otherwise completely assimilated in Lahore or Karachi for hundreds of years. No one in their families spoke Pashto or Dari, the languages that Pathans/Pashtuns speak. Still their families would not think of marrying someone outside their definition of the tribes that comprise the Pathans.
Imagine how many parents in the US are comfortable with their children marrying someone of another race. Now think what would happen if these parents could decide who could or could not marry their kid. The result would definitely be far less miscegenation. And that’s what happens in societies with arranged marriages.
In the end, the discussion of arranged and love marriages comes down to which is better. Obviously, the one that leads to more successful marriages. Proponents of arranged marriage claim that it is more successful, but their definition of success focusses on divorce rates.
It [arranged marriage] works better than Americans’ impulsive love marriages, which so often split apart. “We have less divorce,” Vibha’s mother points out. “That’s what results tell us.”
But are divorce rates really a measure of successful marriage? Do all the couples that don’t get divorced stay happy with each other? The prevalence of divorce in a society depends on a lot of factors including the stigma of divorce.
In fact, the advantages and drawbacks of arranged marriages can’t be so easily appraised. The incidence of divorce among Indian-born Americans is dramatically lower than among Americans generally, but that partly reflects the continuing stigma of divorce. Even as the divorce rate among Indian Americans appears to be increasing, the topic is rarely discussed. […]Divorce reflects poorly on an Indian family, and some proportion of arranged marriages endure not because they are successful or rewarding, but because leaving them would bring such shame.
In addition, the concept of a woman living independently is foreign to most people in South Asian culture. Also, a majority of women don’t work in Pakistan and hence find it difficult to have enough money to support themselves without getting married or after getting divorced.
And many endure because the definition of success differs from Western ideas. Traditional Indians don’t expect a partner to be that improbable combination of soul mate/confidante/red-hot lover/best friend. “The husband-wife bond is one of reliability and dependability and complementary family roles — raising children, caring for elders,” explains Karen Leonard, author of The South Asian Americans and a University of California-Irvine anthropologist. “They may communicate very little in intimate ways, and it’s still a good marriage.”
Hence, they are married as strangers and stay strangers all their lives.
Arranged marriages are the norm in Pakistan and if its proponents are right, then marriages should be very successful there in general. In terms of divorce rates, they are but then how to explain this:
Estimates of the percentage of women who experience domestic violence in Pakistan range from 70 to upwards of 90 percent.
A lot of people nowadays think that arranged marriages are somehow tied to Islam or Muslims. In fact, arranged marriages are common in a lot of societies in Africa and Asia. They are the norm in India and Japan among other countries.
What is the position of Islam on the topic of arranged marriage? As I mentioned in my post about forced marriage in Islam, traditional and conservative scholars require the approval of the bride’s guardian for her marriage (a position I disagree with). In addition, conservatives are wary of any kind of mixing of the sexes socially. Therefore, for women, there is not much of a practical way out of this dilemma. Some modern scholars however disagree and allow a couple to get married without parental involvement. They still disagree with dating, but meeting of the couple for the purpose of making a decision about marriage is allowed. So, the marriage would tend to be like the “semi-arranged marriage.”
A final question to anyone who favors arranged marriage and specially those who don’t want the couple to get to know each other before marriage: What do you think about having sex with a stranger to whom you are married? Or do you think a couple like that should wait until they know each other better?
I disagree with you
I had to do research about arranged marriages and the couple don’t have sex for years after they are married. also many cultures allow their children to back out of the marriage. And divorce is a good way to look at the succes of a marriage if two people get a divorce that means they could make their marriage work which is a failure. If they are still freinds that means they can make their freindship work that still means that the marriage was a faliure still. From reading your post it sounded like you did not do enough research.
Let’s do a small experiment.
We chose four group on N (Each group has N/2 men and N/2 women in the age range of 22 to 32) people in in the following way:
IR (Indian Random) – Consists of Indians, born and brought up in a town in India, and couples paired randomly
IC (Indian Choice) – Consists of Indians, born and brought up in a town in India, and couples chooose themselves
AR (American Random) – Consists of Americans, born and brought up in a town in the U.S., and couples paired randomly
AC (American Choice) – Consists of Americans, born and brought up in a town in the U.S., and couples choose themeselves.
We visit this group of after 5 years, and ask them how happy they are in their relationships, and give them the following choice:
1 – Very Happy
2 – Unhappy
3 – Happy
4 – Very Happy
Let’s assume that everybody answers truthfully. I expect the following results:
Notation: n(IR,1) means number of Indian Random that answered Very Happy , etc.
Comparing IR and AC
——————————
1. n(IR,3) + n(IR,4) = n(AC,3) + n(AC,4) : Same number of happy couples
2. n(IR,1) + n(IR,2) = n(AC,1) + n(AC,2) : Same number of unhappy couples
3. n(IR,4)
Please delete the above post. Here’s the complete version:
http://cs.selu.edu/~rdodda/temp/arranged_vs_choice.txt
kaitlin:
Whether the example I gave of couples having sex as strangers is true or what you describe, neither sounds like a good idea. And pray tell, what happens to these couples who wait for years after marriage? Do they face any familial pressure to produce children? What about the social or personal expections that marriage allows sexual relations? How do they handle those?
Some do and others don’t. It varies from culture to culture and person to person. However, arranged marriages are not built in space, there is a social context around them. Most societies with such arrangements are communitarian rather than individualistic. Thus, divorces are difficult socially if not legally.
I have no clue what you are saying here. Divorce rate is one measurement for looking at the success of marriages, but it can be very misleading. For example, if there is a stigma against divorce, then couples who are unhappy with each other (or worse, abusive) will stay together. Those marriages can obviously not be called successful.
I admit I didn’t do a whole lot of research. However, I am very familiar with arranged marriages in the South Asia and have observed and read about the issues with arranged marriages for quite some time.
Vegabond: Interesting analysis there. However, in the “insights” section, the author says:
However, his own analysis is off the top of his/her head without any studies measuring the differences he claims.
i am using your info and views for an english debate, they are very helpful, thanx
Dear Zack,
i just wanna tell you that this is the best article about Love vs. fkn arranged marriage in the world
thank you so much
I have read the article and most of the comments. This is a topic of great interest to me because I am in love with a Pakistani, muslim man. I am a white, polish, russian, american, non practicing Catholic. We met about 3 1/2 yrs ago and dated off and on for about 2 yrs and got more serious but he would never give me more of a commitment and would n’t give me a good answer why. Come to find out he got married. I was so angry that he didn’t tell me that he was to be involved in an arranged marraige. I didnt’ speak to him for about 8 months. We have spoken recently. He apologized up and down and explained that he had no choice and has been pressured into this for years. He claimes to not know what he really wants and wasn’t given the chance. I really feel for this man because he really has feelings for me. I let him know that I am in love with him and I would support him and I would do anything to be with him, but I will not be his mistress. I understand that he did deceive me, but I feel that he has been sincere and cares about me very much and has really taken the time to get to know me and remember me and has claimed that I will alway be able to contact him.
I just find this to be a very sad situation. I respect the muslim religion and would probably convert. I respect his culture but find it very unfair for anyone to be put in that postition. I feel intimacy with him that is emotional, intilectual, fun, free, and physical. And I don’t find being drawn to someone’s physical features or beauty wrong because it is different in everyones eye. We have a bond, a friendship, and a connection that has lasted this long and probably could have flurrished into something real and long lasting. He will probably never be able to get out of his situation and he is confused and trapped. I’m really not one to judge and I dont’ think that anyone should, but my own personal experience had let me to believe that it can be quite tormenting if someone is forced to make these life long decisions.
zack, when in the article it said that they may connect intimately very little, but it’s still a good marriage, how can that not be a good or successful thing, for from you point out? can you explain that? also, i personally feel that introducing two people together is good, but then the introducers should back off and let the introdecees do their thing. how do you feel about that? arranged marriages limit yourself in finding a spouse in that it’s what you’re parents are slecting from you, and not necessarily what you want. I know in Hindu custom, the parents will often never allow their kids to be arranged of anyone other than their castes, even though another person of aonther caste may be better for them. Isn’t that itself forced? not all parents are broad minded. I know my folks are only gonna arrange me up with doctor boys first, and then, if and only then, if they cannot find suitable doctor boys, will they go look for guys of other status. Isn’t that forced? i think so. any way you look at it, in some shape or form, an arranged marriage IS a forced marriage, wouldn’t you agree zack? thanks.
T, Marky: Thanks.
shef:
I didn’t get what you were asking.
I agree.
The level of force in an arranged marriage varies and is not even a necessary part of it. Like you say, parents definitely have their own biases which sometimes can be bad as I described earlier.
zack, this is good, thanks for this wonderful site, and your good comments. you’re cool! I’m saying that when you said if all the qualities you find good in a spouse can be found in a roommate, then it’s better to get a roommate than get married. I don’t understand that, so i was asking you how if two people can’t intimately connect, and still they think it’s a good marriage, since they raise kids well, pay the bills, care for elders, as the article said, then how can you still not agree with this concept of being a good marriage, and say it’s better to get a roommate than a spouse? also, what did you mean when you said that the level of force in a marriage that’s arranged varies, and itsn’t a part of it? i feel that limiting your child to a particular person of their caste and not letting them expand their options is still forced. don’t you think so? moreover, i know in my indian family, 5/8 of the arranged marriages wound up in problems but non divorced, and so divorce rates are not good indicators of success in these societies, moreover, in societies where you can’t choose your spouse, you can’t usually divorce. does that make sense to you zack, for the most part? lastly, most of my indian cousins are still in their late twenties and early thirties and have never even dated, and they are the products of arranged marriages. their folks didn’t allow them to find beaus on their own, and when time came to marry, and their folks kept on introducing them to people whom they felt were right for them, they didn’t marry them, since they couldn’t find mental compatibility with them. true, you can find someone good through your folks, but if you’re not allowed to date, and you limit yourself to what your folks want, then there’s a greater likelihood that you’ll be single for a long time, because of that limitation. Also, i feel that most of them could’ve been with at least one significant other by now if there was open dating between boys and girls, and that’s another reason why i feel, even as an indian girl, that arranged marriages shouldn’t happen, what’s your take on that, Zack?
ps: sorry zack if i’m annoying you with these questions, it’s just that i’m 21, and fed up with with these limitations and feeling lonely and hurt all the time, without a good person by my side, and i feel i must let it all out and ask you and others if it’s really a good idea to have arranged marriages as the norm these days. Sorry, again, but thank you.
shef: Regarding roommate vs spouse, while I agree that what the article describes is better than a lot of marriages, in my opinion it is still missing something if you could have the exact same relationship with a roommate. I guess what I am saying is that marriage requires an extra something that is not present in other relationships.
At one extreme is the forced marriage in which a person is actually forced against his/her will to marry someone. On the other end of an arranged marriage is where parents just introduce couples to each other. In between lie all other possibilities which can include emotional blackmail, pleading with the child to agree with the parents’ choice, social pressure, etc. These pressures might be wrong but are not exactly “force.”
That is true in South Asia and somewhat true in the Middle East. I am not sure about other places.
That is probably true in cases where parents still control who is going to be one’s potential spouse but children also have a decent say in rejecting (or accepting) their parents’ choices. In situations where power is not so balanced, it might not be true.
Hi, I am a person of Indian origin living outside India, and I am now at a point where I have to choose between an arranged and love marriage. This page is part of my favorites 🙂 .I would like to make another version of the ‘soap’ kind of story-analogy of my own with clothes instead (owner can keep the copyright if he/she wishes :))
Arranged marriage : Your parents go to the best kind of store they can afford to, pick out a lead brand of clothes, and buy something that they think will fit you. The garment itself seems to be perfect in the true sense, it does not tear easily, it is stain-free, anti-wrinkle and it’s of their favorite color red. They know the brand but they are not sure of this product. they hope it’ll fit you and you’ll like it. They come and give it to you..it’s your greatest surprise gift from them, the most expensive kind, the one they have bought with a lot of eagerness, affection and hope. You look at it and go hmmm..
Love marriage: You dress differently. You have your own style. You feel very few clothes actually suit and really complement your structure. You feel you need to carefully pick out your clothes. So you go shopping. You see different stores. And then you see this store. A very modest store. (definitely not a complement to tell others you have been shopping here). But you see this great looking garment that you try on and find it fits you well and looks great on you. It’s the most comfortable thing you have ever worn. And you go wowww..
As with this story, there is no telling what will happen. The arranged marriage person may/may not like the color, and the way it feels in the beginning but may appreciate its comfort and utility later. They may look at the garment and think ‘this is probably what i wanted’ or ‘what the ..’ or’ i can never like this!’ . The love marriage person may discover in a few days that it was not of good quality, or he/she may find out it’s the best thing he/she has ever bought in his/her life.
People change, relationships change, attitudes change. People of the older generation who are proponents of arranged marriages may be well-educated and have advanced ideals, but still lag behind in the ideals of allowing or trusting children to make decisions (which may turn out good or bad).
More on my story in later posts 🙂
zack, i understand that unequal balance of power can mean people may stay single longer, but i feel that if my cousins were allowed to date, most of them would’ve already had some relationship which they could look back on, instead of not dating, but just meeting someone via your folks, and then rejecting them because you two aren’t compatible. the more you limit yourself, the more likely you are to remain alone. People need to be given a chance to date first, not just endure a system where within meeting someone, they’ve to decide on a deadline when they’ll marry them. can you honestly think of another reason why so many of them are single?That doesn’t sound like equal power does it? moreover, I’ve discovered that dating actually helps people develop proper social skills in relationships, and see how people act and behave. you see many people who have arranged marriages don’t know how to sincerely love somebody all the time, but often feel like they have to love somebody, just for tradition and for the sake of marriage is that fair? zack, just between you and me, and based on what i’ve told you, would you say that India is socially backward in some ways, with the arranged system being the norm, along with the strong everyday presence of the caste system, and dowries too?
eyedealist: Interesting analogy.
shef: Since you know your cousins better than I do, I’ll defer to your judgment in their case. Also since my knowledge of India is all second-hand, I don’t feel comfortable labeling it “backward.”
zack, thank you. like your objective approach.
shef, I feel your objections are definitely with good reason. I am being asked to decide within a fixed deadline and get married to someone that my parents feel is compatible.
My parents had an arranged marriage. so did anyone else in my family i know. i do have an uncle who is 50+ yet lacks confidence in himself as the family constantly disapproves of him having married a person of the ‘lowest’ cast, even after all these years. Though they have managed to make a good life for themselves and have children who excel in their fields, they’re always looked on as ‘lesser’. i am guilty of having thought they are not to be spoken to, when i was very young.
Since arranged marriages are the norm for the ‘decent’ society, people who break the rules are regarded outcasts. it is more of a societal problem than an individual choice. people are left to decide whether to conform, in which case they are accepted, or break the rules, in which case they are branded. i have heard that marriages were arranged for children in early times. so maybe that, in a way, justified arranged marriages for those cases. arranged marriages,dowry and the caste system are still in very deep levels in Indian society, and is ingrained in most people. It is the root cause of the high rates of infanticide in less literate or poor communities.
interesting fact:: I have seen a lot of mistakes in love marriages in such a community, as a lot of couples do not really evaluate their real feelings, but the thought that they are forbidden to love each other falsely ‘strengthens’ their ‘love’.
another one:: it is against the law in India for doctors to reveal the gender of an unborn baby.
Dating and socialization:: not only builds a person’s self esteem but helps a person mature emotionally. ofcourse it has its evils, and it’s a method of trial and error, which puts a person through a lot as an individual. arranged marriages are ‘safe’ solutions that parents seek for persons who want ‘safe’ solutions for their parents(who’s winning here? noone?) i am in love with a person and often doubt whether i really have the emotional strength to deal with anything that might happen to the relationship or to really stand up for what i believe in. i sometimes even doubt whether my love is true or for the right reasons. i feel this is partly because i have never seen open display of affection or true emotions in a family environment. i have a lot more of emotional maturing,emotional confidence and understanding of self to do in order to be a good partner in a healthy relationship. and there is the extra responsibility of steady mindedly and strongly enduring the challenges of non-acceptance after a commitment is made.
a rather abstract collection of thoughts here..open to suggestions 🙂
zack, from this washington post article, did they give the example you think to show how Vibha, very scared to marry one she didn’t know, ended happily, and to prove that arranged marriages are “good?” i hope not, since her’s was one of the few stories that worked well in the article. it didn’t work for vinay, who was still single after that horrible date, and it also didn’t work out for devika kopikkar, who was technically disowned from her folks for not having an arranged marriage, along with her optomotrist friend who also had to move out of her parents’ home. eyedealist, i agree that dating an socialization has its ups and downs too, but i say it’s better safe than sorry, and better to know sombody before you settle down with them. in my family, my grandparents were not exposed to society, and thus they set up their son with a woman from a poor, and mean family. but, their son(my uncle), wasn’t smart enough to see the true side of her, and so after he married her, she treats him like a slave, she physically beats him, and she has no feelings for him, but they can’t divorce. thus, while there may be heartaches in all romances, it’s better to look before you leap. that woman was obviously a nasty person, and we were certain he could’ve figured that out for himself, had he been given time to get to know her better, so i wouldn’t want to take a chance. I’m indian-Hindu, but i strongly believe people should love before they mary, since you may not learn to love someone after marriage, like with my uncle. I want a guy who”l treat me well, and I hope to return that to him too. I know my folks will flip, but it’s still my life, and i’ve to live with that guy, not my folks. My advice to you is consider your parents’ opinion, see how you feel about it, then think about yourself and that guy and what’ll be best for you two years from now, then, after seeing things from all angles, then decide, based on what’s best for you. I know you’re scared, but my heartfelt advice to you is know him and LOVE HIM BEFORE YOU MARRY HIM. It might save your life in the long run, and even if it doesn’t work out, at least you may feel you didn’t feel like you just married at your parents’ whim, and that you did take the time out to know him before you married him.
lastly, i want to ask you something: are you gonna enjoy having sex with him just after a short courtship? i’m asking this becasue you may or may not enjoy it, and God forbid, if he had
HIV or any of these STDs, then you may be in trouble with him. I’m telling you this because a gril in india married a man her folks wanted her to marry, and she wound up getting HIV from him, and it turns out he’d been to prostitutes before he married her, but she didn’t know. you never think of this until it happens to you. Moreover, what if he has impotency or other sexual dysfunctions? i’d discuss that with him, rather than just marrying him. Lastly, i don’t know you feel about sex, but i feel that it’s important in a marriage, and I don’t know if you’ll be comfortable being married to a frigid man for the rest of your life? Being a good lover is essential, and i wouldn’t want to marry someone if he despises sex, even if he is a decent man who’ll provide for you and all. I’m not saying go and have sex with him, I’m saying this to let you know that you should know im better, and not just give in to parental pressure. A lot of indian folks care about marrying their kids off, without giving them a chance to see if they really are compatible, and I just don’t want to see you marry for the sake of marriage, and possibly regret it later. sorry to be blunt, but I only wan the best for you, from an outsider’s viewpoint, and from my own observations of indian people. Do you undertand what I mean?
shef, thank you for ur suggstions 🙂 — it does take a lot of evaluation and since arranged marriages invlolve very little emotion toward the other person, it makes sense to make a thorough evaluation before even thinking about the prospect. It is a mistake to foolishly assume you are honoring and respecting your parents wishes when even they DO NOT KNOW the other person’s true character.
phoenix_1982 had mentioned that when people start living together, they realize they get along. ‘getting along’ can be done with a lot of people. if 2 people knew they HAD to get along, they would make attempts to do so(assuming they want to make it work) ,and would get along if they were decent individuals of remotely the same wavelength. ok, then what.. they are members of the opposite sex. they (probably) havent had the opportunity to get close physically to anyone, so there is a natural tendency for physical interaction. this whole setup gives the feeling of a controlled environment where creatures are allowed to breed and coexist, doesnt it?
eyedialist, what did you mean when you said that you didn’t know if you really loved him becasue you never saw open emotions in the household or family expressed towards one another?
Hi
What marriage is like in Saudi Arabia:
I am 16 years old, currently living in Saudi Arabia, raised in the uk.
When we first moved back to Saudi, I was surprised at how it wasn’t like I expected.
I live in Jeddah, which is in the western region of KSA, and is the most open minded liberal city in Saudi Arabia. Even though most schools and universities are girls/boys only, I know loadsa people who are friends with members of the opposite sex, or date, and its completely and utterly fine with the parents. You see couples openly out on dates in cafes or malls, and not much is said about it. And now, girls have started to stop wearing abayas (floor length black coat like things), I know lots of girls who wear hijab, but have stopped wearing the abaya.
Arranged marriages in this part of Saudi Arabia are very relaxed, the engagement process is kinda like dating, it can last from a few weeks to a few years, and the couple can go out alone. My best friend’s sister’s parents introduced her to a guy, they were engaged for a year or so, fell in love, and are now happily married. I don’t see how that differs from your parents setting you on a date with a guy, cuz they went out for a year un chaperoned.
But
In other parts of Saudi Arabia, all this is UNHEARD of, forced marriages are common (and I don’t mean just the rural areas, its in major cities like Riyadh – the capital – too!!!!!) women are forced to cover themselves from head to toe in black!
You wouldn’t know you were still in the same country. To be seen with a member of the opposite sex could earn you a beating. You hear stories of girls as young as 10 getting married to 40 year old guys and that kind of thing, it’s pretty scary.
Im not saying everyone is like this, just a lot of people are.
For instance, in my family, it’s ok for me, my friends, my cousins (male and female) and their friends, to go out and have fun together. So I have loadsa male friends and its ok.
But a friend of mine, can only freely mix with her female cousins, and their female friends, her relationships with her male cousins are kinda formal (limited to “how are you”s and “fines”) and they aren’t allowed out alone, an older person has to be with them.
It all depends on your family, and where you live.
shef..lemme be more accurate ..The environment in my family is one of lack display of any affection or emotion in general.I feel that was because any affection that was brought about was just for the sake of it.
I wonder if my ideal of ‘love’ is correct and whether i can really evaluate all its facets
correctly.
yazz: interesting facts..
eyedealist, but your family memebers do love each other, but it seems for the sake of marriage, which is what i feel at times. well, my advice to you is why don’t you think over for yoursewlf how you feel about this person, about how you both feel, and then decide? don’t concentrate on what your folks want, for it’ll confuse you. Also, did you know that dowry system and caste are in a lot of educated, upper caste as well? same with female feticide in india. it’s not just lower class, and did you know that sri lanka doesn’t have arranged marriages and these things either, for the most part? i mean, most of sri lanka has a free society, where you can date, and i know this from my sri lankan boyfriend, and another sri lankan woman. what do you think of that?
zack, when you say it’s not a good idea to marry then hope to fall in love, what about how people do marry, then learn to love each other? isn’t that possible at all? what about two people usually learning to love each other because they didn’t know each other before marriage, and so they’ve something to start on, and work towards, where as love often wears away after marriage when two people are in love before marriage? besides, what’s the worse that can happen if two people marry for the sake of marriage, and don’t learn to love one another? moreover, isn’t it true that you can know a person for a long time before marriage, but after you marry, then they change to their true personality, and it may still not work out, so what’s the point of knowing someone and loving someone well before marriage, vs marrying someone after just “one good table conversation” if there’s a chance that even knowing somebody might still get you in divorce ? don’t many people know each other for years here in americabefore they marry, but still divorce easily, while people marry quickly in india, after barely nowing each other, like that girl vibha’s parents and vinay’s folks did, but they’ve still got lower divorce rates?
shef:
It is possible and in fact happens. But it is not always or even usually the case.
That’s just a stereotype.
Nothing too bad, I hope. But isn’t it a sort of waste of one’s life? Won’t they wonder what could have been? After all, the ideal of love between spouses does seem to be a universal ideal.
While it is true that one doesn’t know anyone extremely well until one lives with them. However, that is still better than marrying a total stranger. Let the perfect not be the enemy of the good here.
The reason for higher or lower divorce rates are quite complex. Social attitudes, financial independence and other factors play a role there.
hey there,
i jst wanted to say thanx to all of uz as dese comments realli helpd me out to write my english essay!!thanx a lot!!keep it up guyz
zack, what did you mean when you said “that’s just a stereotype?” doesn’t it happen in america and the west that people love each other before marriage, then marry, and they break apart becasue love wears away because of disagreements where as in indian system of arranged marriages they’ve a foundation to work on, to learn to love each other, and so that process sweeps the two along so that they stay together? also, why’s it wrong to you to marry someone whom you can have the same type of relationship with as you would a roommate? so what’s the worst that can happen if they cannot emotionally connect? they can still raise kids, care for elders, and still be successful marriage, can’t they? isn’t that what even the article itself said?
Dear Zack, I was doing a search on arranged marriages and found your blog which lasted for months on the subject. I learned a lot from it and will continue to look through your blog for more information. I was born and raised in Canada and had what I thought was a storybook marriage, married at 18, had 2 girls, and 20 years later my husband left me with only 3 hours notice. I didn’t even realize there was anything wrong. I adored him and he never even gave a clue that anything was wrong. Now I have been engaged to a man from Pakistan for 2 years. He has helped me see marriage in a whole new light, and makes me feel much more secure that I will not be left for reasons of beauty changing or boredom or other insignificant reasons. We are both VERY religious, he is a Hafiz (has studied to be a Muslim priest), I am a Christian (doctorate degree in world religions). We don’t expect each other to convert and we respect each other’s beliefs, and both talk about God and our love for Him together. He cannot tell his family about our desire to marry, because I am older, white, not Muslim, and not Pathan (his tribe in Pakistan). He is breaking all the taboo rules in order to be with me. We have been through so many trials together that would have broken up any Western couple, (because it seems at the first sign of stress many Western marriages look for an easier marriage, but don’t realize they are just trading one bunch of problems for another)…but I am always amazed that he survives these trials because of the examples of arranged marriage, and how THEY deal with trials. My fiance and I are very blessed that we got to have a love marriage, but I am studying arranged marriages so that I might learn the GOOD parts of them, to incorporate them into my marriage. For example, Easterners consider LOVE as a verb, an action word, something you DO. Westerners consider it a feeling, and once the feeling is gone, so is the husband or wife.
SO IF ANYONE CAN PLEASE TEACH ME HOW GOOD ARRANGED MARRIAGES BECOME GOOD AND STAY GOOD, EVEN WHEN THE ATTRACTION AND LOVE GOES AWAY, EVEN WHEN THEY COUPLE MIGHT HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON AND MIGHT FEEL UNLOVED, I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT. I know enough about the bad arranged marriages and the honor killings and suicides and abuse…and it truly amazes me how much the human soul can endure. I am blessed to be born in a place where I can choose my life partner, but I certainly feel sad that my husband-to-be is giving up EVERYTHING and everyone for me, that his family will never know about me, that I will never be able to show them love and respect, and worry what might happen to him if they ever do find out about us…but God will help us deal with that when the time comes.
Sorry if this is long, its my first experience with a blog. Zack thanks for having such a great site.
Shama: Best of luck. I hope you have a happy life with this guy.
I can’t be of much help with advice but I think the most important factors in a marriage are love, trust and compromise. Arranged marriages typically focus more on the compromise and some on trust. Those that work well develop love as well.
Shef:
Just that people in the East have stereotypes about life in the West while westerners have stereotypes about arranged marriage for example. The stereotypes are built on some facts but those facts are taken as a whole and there is no effort to understand the other society. Instead we just throw around stereotypes like “love marriage ends in divorce” or “arranged marriage is wierd and forced.”
zack, if arranged marriages focus mostly on care and compromise, even with little or no love involved towards either of the parties, and they work out well, as shown by the tremeduously low rates of divorce in india, then that is a successful marriage, isn’t it? why don’t we then make this system the norm in the west, so the divorce rates go down? i mean, in the west marriages are moslty based on love, but little attention is paid to compromise, but if arranged marriages involve little emotional intimacy, but lots of compromise, then obviously it will succeed, since love is more emotional, where as compromise is more beneficial, since it involves tolerating differences spouses may have in a marrage. I mean many indians have successful marriages where there’s little love between spouses yet they still manage, becasuse indians can tolerate things better, so why have love in a marriage? what’s the point of having love when what you need to keep a marriage going is care and compromise? why is love necassary in a marriage, if you can just get along with tolerating the differences and conflicts you have in a marraige? what can happen if there’s no love in a marriage but it still works due to compromise?
Shef, divorce rate does not tell the amount of good or bad marriages. Many stay in bad marriages, and many divorce so they can find a good marriage. What if you are in a loveless marriage, then later find someone you love so much that you feel you cannot live without them? Love really needs to be part of marriage at SOME level, for respect and peace of mind. Why is love important? It is part of being human…to know love, to want to be loved, to love someone, people die without it, kill themselves if they cannot get it, and often kill themselves if they cannot be with the one they love. I only hope someday you will experience LOVE, so you will understand its importance. In my opinion, until you have known what love is, you have no idea how much Allah/God loves us!
Also, since my last post I have gotten letters from people from the far east, some who had arranged marriaged, some love marriages, and my perception is as follows: Human nature is the same world wide. There are shallow people everywhere, and spiritual people everywhere. There are successful and unsuccessful in both types of marriages, depending on the personalities of the people who marry. Each couple works out their problems in a different way, because what works for one couple won’t work for another. You just take things one day at a time and try to make life as good as possible. I don’t think anyone should be forced to stay in an abusive relationship, arranged or not. The laws that came straight from Sharia law about marriage on Zack’s site are holy, but people have corrupted the original purposes of the prophet (pbuh). May you all have a marriage that brings you joy and that Allah can smile upon, and not be sad for you. I don’t think He wants any of us to be unhappy in our short journey in this beautiful world of His. Strive to be happy, despite all the trouble in the world. Ask for His help and His blessings daily. Blessings upon you all as you seek your life partner.
Shama
shama, i understand what you say, but the reason why i’m questionaing whether you really need love in a marriage is because in what i’ve seen in arranged marriages with indian people, a lot or at least too many of them don’t really expect a spouse to be that combination of a great lover/best friend, and thus don’t really expect love from a partner, but their marriage still works becasue they know how to compromise with each other. what i’m asking and wondering is if all these people seem okay with this idea of just a marriage out of convenience, and it works for them, then why need love? just stress compromise, and marriage will work, won’t it, because you know you have to be together? how come most indian people have it well in their marriages, though they may never really experience love for a person? [ersonally, i feel love in a marriage should be there because if you don’t love that person, eventually distance may develop in the marriage, and you may not be able to stand that person anymore, though you may on the outside stay with him/her, just for the sake of marriage? I’m going through this arranged marriage issue now, and my mom feels i’ll learn to love the guy after i marry him, but that it’s mpst important to just compromise first and foremost, since that’s why our arranged marriages last, instead of these divrce rates in the west. I too want to love somebody, but i don’t know if I can, since in indian culture, i mostly see the definition of “love” as staying married mostly for marriage’s sake, and thus a lack of emotions and feelings are blatantly shown period, so we often don’t know how to truly make sacrifices for one another, without our parents approving of it, since there’s little love involved towards someone before marriage to him/her. as one commentor said. Thus, when i think of “love,” I too wonder if i can love someone on my own, and from my heart, instead of loving someone because my folks want me to love him. she feels that common language, food, good money, and mostly mutual likign of each other will end up in a good marriage, but i feel that it’s not tjust these things, for if I can’t emotionally connect with him, and
harbor feelings for him, then i’ll go crazy, for i think then that i’ll be marrying for her, not for me, which is what happens in indian culture. most indian kids marry someone their folks choose, and stay married for their folks, with/without happiness being a priority for themselves. what can I do? shama, how can i know if i truly love someone before marriage and that it’s genuine, not just for the sake of it, like in idnian culture? can anyone help me with advice please?
shef: You seem to be confused about what love is. “Best friend” is very different from “love”. Also, good marriages everywhere have love between the couple. If you consider the aspirations of people everywhere, what they want in a spouse as well as read world literature, you find love as a common thread. Doesn’t that show that Indians, Pakistanis, British, Nigerians and others all want to love and be loved?
zack, i do kinda get what you’re saying, but indians don’t feel love bfore settling down is necessary, since you moslty need sacrifice and compromise to keep a lasting relationship, which is why indian marriages survive, even though they often involve little emotion towards the other person. now, if you already know someone’s gonna make sacrifices for you becasue of the sake of marriage and trtadition, do you need love? you know that that person is gonna do everything for you, so may just need to like-not necessarily love that person-correct? love is actions too, not just a feeling, according to indian tradition, the latter much more esential than the former. also, i think you can’t have love without being a person’s best friend. in a spouse, you make sure that he’s gonna be your best friend first and foremost, right? then how are the two different?
Shef, I guess if I had the answer to your problem I’d have the answer to my questions as well. If you HAVE to go into an arranged marriage, it is very possible to fall in love with the person after. A lot of laughter and sense of humor help, and of course respect and courtesy will make him love you more. It’s a known fact that when a person serves another, he/she gains love for that person, so make sure to ask him to do things for you as well as you doing things for him. It helps to talk to him about your feelings and what you do and don’t like, in a calm manner and in private, this will make you closer as friends instead of just his servant. I really think laughing together brings you the closest. It breaks the tension and laughter is good medicine and calming. Think of fun things to do together such as going for a walk and holding hands, going for a picnic, getting a book about fun things to do on a date, then plan one night a week to do something special with him alone. I really think one of the reasons my marriage failed is that I did not let my husband do enough for me so that he would learn to love me. I served him too much. I worked for him 20 hours a day while sick and had hired help besides, and it still wasn’t enough. Maybe we should have done more things together. It was his home too, he should have had some responsibilities to care for it, and for his children. He was willing to leave his 2 biological children to marry a woman with 4 awful children, and I think its because he never got to care for his children to develop a bond with them (or me). I tried so hard to be the perfect wife and serve his every need that he never felt like he was needed or that he was caring for me and protecting me, and men need that feeling. He never spent any time with them, and little with me. There are many books about how to make a marriage better. I suggest you buy a few or borrow them from a library. I don’t know where you live, or if your area has libraries or not. One book I HIGHLY recommend is called “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. It tells how men and women think differently, and how to deal with those differences more easily. It really taught me so much about how men think and about myself and saved a lot of mis-understandings and fights and confusion. There is a saying “What can not be cured must be endured”, so if you can’t get out of being matched up with a stranger, then the only thing to do is to make life as pleasant and joyful as possible. I feel so blessed that I can make the choice to not even be married if I don’t want. Few women in history had that choice because they could never get a job to support themselves, and they had to stay in a bad marriage for the same reason, but times have changed in some parts of the world. The things you worry about are never as bad in real life as in your mind, and half the things you worry about never happen anyway, and don’t forget that God is there to comfort and help and guide you if you just ask Him to. Marriage is not all bad. It can be very good! What’s hard is dealing with a whole other family, but there are now books on how to deal with those relationships too. I miss my husband but I do not miss the abuse of his family. God bless you in your marriage.
Shama
thanks all. i get what you’re all saying. for me, i feel open dating should be allowed, and introducing two people together should also occur, as long as it’s just introduction, no more interference from the introducers. also, i feel that kids can’t always just marry via an arranged marriage because their folks want them to. they’ve to know and see that person well before settling down. for all thoses indian kids who say just do what your folks want, i ask you this: would you go hijack a bus if your folks wanted you to? would you jump off a cliff if your folks told you too? You’ve to think for yourselves too, and your own happiness. there’s nothing more powerful inb life than true love, and i hope you all find it someday. I just hate it in indian culture when people around you always tell you how to act, what and how to think, what to become what age to settle down, and whom you should settle down with. you’re not free to make your own choices. you’re in a palce, but you’re still a slave. is that fair? that’s how a lot of the indian culture is, and I don’t believe in it, and if i’ve to wrongly follow some stupid indian tradition, maybe i don’t want to be indian anymore.
hello there
im a pakistani model, looking for an indian or pakistani buisness man for marriage
shef,
I know exactly how you feel, the indian systems DOES force individuals to make choices for themselves just for the happiness of others. My advice to you is to take it easy and not worry so much about the future. We can only do our best within our constraints, and marriage is a happy event in one’s life, so we can only hope for the best and try to make an informed deciosion with a cool head without having negative ideals about the way it’s being ‘arranged’. i am sure god has a good plan for you.
For many people in india who do not see the outside world that seems perfectly normal and acceptable ,and a way of life. when we come outside India and have a peek into the western world, we realize the meaning of individuality and taking responsibility for one’s own actions.
You were wondering why arranged marriages in India ‘work out’. many people are not aware that they have any other option. to them love is an immature concept. also, unlike western living, family ties are very close so sometimes a spouse is just another important part of the family. a spouse has to act in a right manner at all times, just as a brother,sister of father would have to act.(are you really yourself when you are with your parents?? i doubt it). also this makes one more forgiving of the other’s faults, just as one would be with their own siblings or parents) in this scenario love doesnt figure anywhere. Also in dealing with everyday hardships of life and society in india marriages form more of a ‘partnership’ kind of relationship to support each other in getting through difficult times.
In America every individual at the end of the day is on his/her own. he/she doesnt have a support structure they can bank on. He/she feels isolated emotionally, and place much more hopes on the partner they choose to give them a sense of belonging and love. So they are more easily affected by their partners actions as they bank on one person for emotional(and only emotional not financial) support. As for the divorce rates it is solely a social factor, as it’s not a taboo.
l8r
eyedealist, thanks again for your understandingand god bless you. but how can i not worry when if i can’t date, i’ve to be forced into this arranged system, becasue of my folks? i’ve to deal with meeting these people, deciding on a deadline, when ihave to settle down with them, etc. isn’t this frightening? i’m scared about this. what can i do? i understand the social structure in india, but it certainly shouldn’t be followed in theis country, since this is not india. moreover, in india, you’re basically a slave to your family, and becasue of this social structure, india’s behind the civilized world. they complain about the dowry system and i feel that the only truly lower or eradicate is to first abolish this arranged marriage system, and allow the two parties find their own spouses. then, that way, they’ll know that they bear their own responsibility for their wealth and property. second, they should take the responsibility for their own wedding expenses and all, since they’re the ones getting married, not the families. last, they should adopt the nuclear family system, where husband and wife live separate from the parents, since that”’ prevent abuse of privileges at the hands of in-laws, maintain privacy, and let the husband and wife work out things for themselves. lastly, indian girls always complain of sexual harassment in india, and that’s mostly because there’s no interaction between men and women freely. if they allow open dating, men will know they’ve access to the women, and vice versa, so it reduces it greatly. indians complain about social problems but they don’t want to change, and they deny these problems even exist. i didn’t even know indian in the US demand dowries from brides back home, so i’m sure there are many skeletons hidden in the indian closet. india has a long, long way to go. now do you understand why i’m scared eyedealist? and also, if indian kids want to do what their kids want just to make their folks happy, or else their folks will disown them, or threaten them with disheritance or violence and all, then that’s fear, not love, and so many indian folks do these things to manipulate their kids. respect is often the excuse for fear. eyedealist, is this really a concept of close family relationships?
Indians are just a bunch of hypocrites and perverts who will talk spiritual and pretend to be angels, but in essence are one the cheapest races around who greed for wealth, resources, power, looks…and all the materialistic aspects.
Atleast, the westeners dont have their foot in their mouth!
Hari: Your comment is bigoted and wrong. Any more bigotry in comments here will result in a ban.
zack, in terms of a person not wanting an arrangwed marriage, and if they want to date and all, do you know what that means? that means that they have to make themselves available, and not just to members of their own culture, but members of other cultures too. you see, if your culture doesn’t generally allow dating, but you don’t want to follow that, but members of your culture don’t date because of the restriction,s then you may seriously have to open yoursleves up to another culture for courtship and marriage. what if this happens? not all folks will approve of that what you do then?
shef: That is true to some extent but not entirely. For example, India and Pakistan are changing too and there are lots of “love marriages” there nowadays. Dating is also much more common than a decade ago. On the other hand, why restrict oneself to one culture? People don’t approve of “love marriages” and they don’t approve of inter-cultural marriages either, but why should we listen to these people?
Great article about marriage, arranged and love marriages, history of marriage and modern marriages.
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Relationships/news_2005/marriage_1.htm
Shef, would it be possible to sit calmly with your parents alone, and talk to them from your heart, and tell them that if they have someone in mind for you to marry, that you would like the chance to get to know them first, even if it is through phone calls? Tell them that you are the type of person that really needs love in her life or cannot survive, so you would like a chance to express your opinion with their choices, and tell them that you know that they love you enough to care about your future happiness. (Even if that comment isn’t true,it will plant the idea in their head that they should care about your future happiness). Then Shef, pray for the right partner to come into your life, as I prayed for mine, and as my girls grew up I always prayed that there was some mother raising a wonderful boy to be sent to my girls lives. Pray that your parents hearts will be softened so that they will hear you when you have this talk with them, Then trust God to send a loving man, or to be able to fall in love after marriage if you do not feel it right away. I really hurt for you Shef, and I will pray for you also.
Why do Indian men get involved with white women if they know they must have or will want an arranged marriage eventually?? I have just ended my relationship with an Indian man whom I love very much. I am sure he had feelings for me too but he insisted that he wanted arranged marriage. I tried to end the relationship many times because of this but he kept coming back (and I kept taking him back). In the end I wrote to his parents and told them about our relationship as this was the only way I could think to get him to leave me alone. He went mad and said I had ended things for good by doing that. His sister is married to a white man and his parents went to the wedding although he tells me they were very upset. So I think it is him who wants the arranged marriage more than his parents forcing him and I am sure I am better off out of it. BUT why did he get involved in the first place??
shama, i trie to talk to my parents again and again, but they’re so stubborn, and it doesn’t work out. thanks for caring, for i pray that you’ll find someone in your life too. i want to be in a loving relationship with someone who’s meant for me, and all i can do is hope. I personally don’t want an indian shama, because a lot of them can’t maker a commitment without pleasing their folks, as it goes. thus, i’ve decided to go fro a sri lankan, for they’re much more open-minded and ready to fight for me. shama, how can i expect to mary an indian when practically none of them have the guts t fight for me, and for my love? that’s a part of security. i want to be secure a man will be there emotionally for me and be strong enough to lead as head of the family. what can you say to that shama?
zack, in terms of not restricting yourself to one culture, what about the children of mixed culture marriages? don’t they have problems with what religion to follow, what language to speak, etc? that’s why people say marry with your own! what you said is true, dating has become more common in india, but it’s still small, and even if you do date with your own, things may still not work out, and you may have to consider opening yourself up. my own cousin tried to find an indian guy, but couldn’t because of the fact that too many indian guys refused to date her, and those that did it didn’t work out for them, and now she’s with a nice white guy, and she told me she loves him, but it’s a shame that she can’t be with an indian, all because of this arranged marriage system. she’s gonna marry him in a short while, but she still feels sad about how she can’t be with an indian. what about her? many people who want to stay with their own can’t because of this arranged marriage system. what can they do? what can my cousin do if she’s upset about that?
shef: While there are issues in intercultural marriages, I think they are mainly of the spouses adjusting to each other rather than children getting confused. And similar problems can also arise if the spouses have differing viewpoints even though they might belong to the same culture. In short, I don’t see why one should restrict the choice of a spouse to one culture.
Shef, if your parents won’t let you choose your mate, how can you go for a Sri Lanken, or anyone of your choice? Also,are you committed enough to your ability to choose a man to be able to go against your family and go find your own man, a love marriage? My mother did it, and she was disowned, but soon the family accepted her and my Dad was considered the favorite son-in-law when they got to know him. I hate to mention this option after hearing about honour killings in India, but what about moving to another country where honour killings are not even considered or legal? I’ve heard a saying “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.” This means its often easier to do what you want with your life and ask for forgiveness after you do it, than to ask for permission to do things before you do them. That honour killing stuff is SCARYYYYY STUFF! Its the desire of EVERY HUMAN to do things her/his own way. Life is empty without that freedom of choice. If you are young and healthy you can make your dreams come true. Get out of India and marry for love…unless you really are in danger of an honour killing….then keep praying and dropping hints to your parents until it wears them down or changes their mind. You have the internet. Get online and date online…CAREFULLY, and prayerfully. You seem like a strong minded woman, so you have 3 choices. Learn to love the man you are put together with, or find a man you can love, or refuse marriage forever. Hope to hear from you soon!
Shama
shama, honor killings do happen in india, but that’s still small percentage, and my folks aren’t like that. thtis is a much greater problem in muslim countries, than in india. it’s not like my folks won’t absolutely let me find anyone on my own, but they want me to find someone who’s totally in line with what they want, like a rich doctor, or lawyer, which i feel is a bit oppressive. true, a good education is important in a man, but this is too much. moreover, there’s very little dating in indian culture, and so i can’t truly find indian guys to date. moreover, even if you do find a nice indian boy to date, it seems like their folks want to control them and even marry them off to the girl they feel is right for them, and i don’t want that. Sri lankan guys are nice, and i want to marry one, and i’ll make sure he’s well-educated, honest, respectful to me, hard-working, gentle, and kind. I’m in America, and i hope to live in London one day, not in india or sri lankan(which also doesn’t really have much honor killings), so it’ll be fine. My folks will eventually learn to love him i’m sure. you see, i think it’s okay for parents to just introduce their kids to other people, but it’s wrong to start pressuring them to marry within a month after meeting them, or to start scolding them if they keep on rejecting people whom they don’t find much in common with. kids should simultaneously be allowed to find a good person on their own as well, with their parents’ guidance, since you can’t just limit your self and let your folks find someone for you, since you may not be able to find a compatible match via your folks, which is the case with my cousins who’re still 29 and who’ve never never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. you can’t live life like that. I know of an indian family where the girl is 26 years old, and she wasn’t allowed to date, and she’s frustrated becasue she can’t find anyone to her liking via her folks, and her folks feel she’s getting “to be an old maid,” and so her folks are beginning to pester her to go find a guy in india, which she’s not crazy about. you see shama, i have to take charge of my own life, and if it means marrying a sri lankan, then it’s worth it. I’m not mentally attracted to indian guys, for I just can’t emotionally jibe with them, and because a lot of them can’t think for themselves, and do mostly whatever their mothers tell them to do, as demonstrated by the various sob stories posted here from non-indian girls and their indian boyfriends, who eventually married indian girls via arranged marriages, i’m scared to be with them, for i don’t feel secure with them, so i don’t want an indian guy as my life partner. and my folks won’t be crazy about my sri lankan, but i’ll have to fight for it, though it may be hard. I’ll make sure that me and my sri lankan learn to trust and compromise with one another, and have mutual respect as well, for that’s what’s essential in life. i wish that for all you as well…
Thanks for the message about arranged marriage.I think arranged marriage has few advantages but i gues it’s not good in the modern life.it’s good for the guy and the girl to get to know each other before getting marriage.And also,getting marriage is about feelings of one another to each other.I mean,feelings is the most important thing in love.How can my parents decide to let me marry someone that i never seen before and that i don’t have any feelings for?